Chapter 437 - Spring Sky
“—And, well, that's more or less how it went.”
I finished giving the abridged version, but Sora, still leaning against my chest, said nothing.
I mean, of course she wouldn't. Like I said beforehand, it wasn't a 'happy story.' It's only natural she wouldn't know how to react.
Besides, I only told her because I had to. The p-a-s-t d-o-e-s-n'-t m-a-t-t-e-r. The important part is how all of that made me who I am today.
"I used a strong word like 'hate,' but in the end, I'm just scared. I'm terrified of 'romance'—the thing that d-r-o-v-e h-i-m, the guy everyone acknowledged as 'perfect,' completely insane."
Even though we looked nothing alike, I'm still his brother.
The fear and distrust planted so deep within me during my impressionable middle school years didn't fade with time; they stained me through and through... As a result, you got the unhealthy teenager before you, the one who proclaims 'no thank you' to romance.
I just couldn't make it go away.
The face of the brother I had loved, which had suddenly looked like a stranger's.
"In reality, at this age, I'm not seriously thinking 'I might go crazy too'... I know full well that he and I are different."
And yet, the anxiety wouldn't disappear.
The connection of brotherhood, a blood tie that was never severed even after he was gone, lingered deep in my chest, carrying with it the 'what if' that I might be the same.
"My low self-esteem comes from that, too. My brother, who everyone said was the 'complete upgrade' after comparing us endlessly, went crazy and ruined everything. And then I, like an idiot, decided that I must be t-h-e i-n-f-e-r-i-o-r v-e-r-s-i-o-n o-f h-i-m—"
A small hand clutched at my clothes, as if in accusation... or perhaps, as if enduring the pain on someone else's behalf. It conveyed its strength to me.
Instead of thanking her, I gently stroked the head of the girl with the beautiful, swaying black hair.
"He was the one who spoiled me the most, but my mom and dad did a good job of protecting me, too. They told me I should just be proud of being myself... But being raised so coddled and honest, right as I was entering that sensitive phase of my life..."
Well, I ended up a complete mess.
I belittled myself unnecessarily, for no reason at all. The result was an idiot who couldn't even objectively assess his own appearance.
Our faces were the only thing even slightly similar—and that only fueled the curse of being 'his brother'. There was a time I hated even looking in the mirror.
...Alright, is that everything?
Now that I've said it all, it feels surprisingly simple. It was just 'something' that could be explained in about ten minutes. Maybe it wasn't such a big deal after all.
Okay, from here on, let's talk about looking forward.
"To be blunt, I don't really feel anything about him anymore."
Unless I have to recall it to tell someone, his face doesn't even come to mind anymore.
"The 'contact' came two years after he disappeared, and hearing that, I suddenly stopped caring. I don't really get it myself, but I just thought, 'Ah, I'm done with this.'"
It's not that I felt the connection was severed when he truly d-i-s-a-p-p-e-a-r-e-d. I even doubt that Kanae Kasuga is really dead.
Would a guy like that really die destitute after just two years on his own? It's more plausible that he faked his death and got caught up in some kind of unreal, grand spectacle.
My parents also seemed to have gotten over their missing son's death a little too quickly for it to have been only a few years. Again, there's probably something they're not telling me—
Well, I can entertain such idle thoughts half-jokingly, which shows just how much...
"I've moved on, too. Or rather, I forgot. A long, long time ago."
And as for his little parting gift, that's gradually getting sorted out, too. That was, after all, the reason I sought out Arcadia in the first place.
"That aside, I was probably drawn to the idea of 'becoming someone different' in a clear-cut way. Escaping into an avatar, a body of data where reality doesn't matter—only to get hit with an unexpected VRE judgment, leaving the one thing I wanted to change, my face, exactly the same. That was surprise number one."
At the time, I was so relieved to have finally conquered the hellish path of juggling a part-time job and my studies that I just brushed it off with a 'well, can't be helped'... but in retrospect, the fact that I could dismiss it so easily shows just how much my heart had already healed.
"Then, on the day of my virtual world debut, an unbelievably cute girl shot me in the chin with her forehead right as we met. That was surprise number two."
"...I was hurt, too, you know."
"Well, I guess we're even on that one."
Has it been more than ten minutes? I was so happy to hear her voice, however small, that a relaxed smile spread across my face.
"And, well, an attractive girl should have been the number one thing for me to avoid... but for some reason, I felt a-b-s-o-l-u-t-e-l-y no resistance at all."
On the contrary, I wasn't thinking about anything complicated back then. I was just captivated by the girl who had suddenly appeared, and I felt a perfectly natural sense of excitement.
As we walked through that dark forest, without any fear, not as Haru Kasuga, but...
Just as me, as Haru.
"I want to go on an adventure with this girl, I thought. Surprise number three."
I can't say it out loud y-e-t, but...
In its own way, I think that might have been love at first sight.
"After that... well, what else? I feel like I've said most of what I wanted to say, and the rest was just a flood of surprises, so that's a good enough summary..."
There's no point in dragging this out. I want to p-u-t h-e-r a-t e-a-s-e, so I should probably just get to the conclusion.
Besides, it's what I've wanted to tell her for a while now.
"Sora."
I embraced the small body clinging to me and called her name.
Because I know she likes it, and that she wants me to.
"I like you, Sora."
I say the words without hesitation.
Because I know she will never misinterpret their meaning.
"So, let's put all the complicated stuff aside for now... For the moment, I'm just going to tell you the 'one absolute thing,' so listen carefully."
I wonder if I even need to say it.
I'm confident that it has already been conveyed to her a hundred percent without words, as the strength gradually leaves her body in my arms.
"I promise that even if our relationship changes, I won't disappear."
"..."
"In fact, I want you to stay by my side and keep an eye on me. Make sure I don't go crazy over romance or anything without even realizing it."
"...Do you understand what you're saying...?"
"I do."
I'm aware that I'm saying something outrageous. I understand that it's incredibly arrogant and selfish. But...
"If I've decided to face someone's feelings, the person I have to look at first has been decided from the very beginning. I can't just ignore you and start walking off on my own."
Now, at last, I can finally say 'no' to the words of a certain princess.
Because in order for me to move forward, I'll be taking the title of 'villain' all for myself.
"Promise me you'll watch over me."
"...Haru."
"And if you do, I'll always be by your side."
"...Haru."
"So close it's annoying."
"Haru."
"I'll never leave you alone again, I swear."
"...!"
It's probably better if we don't look at each other's faces. I'm almost certain we're both a complete mess. For now...
"So... will you tell me? Your feelings, Sora."
...just hearing your words will be enough.
I still don't know the details of her situation, but I have no doubt about my guess as to what she's afraid of. Sora is, above all, terrified of having someone precious to her.
Almost certainly because she fears 'losing' them in the end.
So what I offer is a promise that I will never disappear. A trade-off where I expose my weakness and ask her to keep an eye on the untrustworthy Haru Kasuga.
Call it codependency or whatever you want. It's too late for that.
Our hearts need each other and have found solace in that. No one else has any right to complain. To hell with them.
The responsibility of making her voice her feelings now is—
"...I..."
"Yeah."
The readiness to be told the first of three feelings is—
"..., ...I... I..."
"Yeah."
The resolve to face the feelings of the girl I selfishly unearthed is—
From this point on, I'll carry all of it.
The girl lifted her face, and her sky-blue eyes met mine.
Those two skies, wet with unshed tears, held a powerful glimmer reminiscent of familiar amber—
"I'm in love with you..."
It was so beautiful, so impossibly breathtaking, that I couldn't look away.
Enough with the serious stuff already.
Thank you for sticking with me through this sudden string of chapters. I have no intention of dragging out a long, tedious backstory arc, so from here on out, please look forward to our usual sugar-sweet story.