Chapter 44 - Thoughts and Feelings
—The steady rhythm of a clock's ticking hands. It was a subtle sound, yet it echoed with a certain strength, and I'd never disliked it.
But right now, no matter how hard I tried to sync my frantic, pounding heartbeat to that sound, it refused to quiet down.
The lid of the [Arcadia] rig was open. Huddled on top of it, hugging her knees, Sora—no, Sora—groaned as she repeatedly tapped her forehead against her knees.
About twenty minutes had passed since Haru had urged her to log out.
In the virtual world, where time flowed 1.5 times faster, that was thirty minutes… No matter how long the boss fight dragged on, enough time had passed that some sort of conclusion should have been reached.
Unfamiliar with not only games but all forms of creative works, Sora naturally had no immunity to so-called "shocking imagery" that one would never encounter in reality.
She wasn't so timid as to be scared by the mere sight of blood, but when suddenly confronted with a horribly gruesome scene unlike anything she'd ever seen, even on a screen, she had embarrassingly panicked—but to be honest, she had calmed down about that after hugging her knees for about five minutes.
A large part of it was the distinct sense of separation between reality and the virtual world she gained upon logging out. Although she had been pushed into it by Haru's persistent words, his judgment had been correct.
—And yet, the reason Sora still couldn't log back in, despite having calmed down, was also because of her reliable partner.
"………………This is bad."
For the first time since logging out, she let a word slip out. Realizing her voice was tinged with more heat than she expected, Sora's face—already flushed to her neck—grew even hotter.
"It's unfair, it's cheap, it's against the rules…"
Her accusatory words, one after another, were all directed at a single player.
It had only been a week since they met, and she pictured the partner who constantly threw her heart into turmoil—no, she didn't even need to picture him. He had taken up residence in her mind without permission, flashing that irresponsible smile.
To be honest, she was aware that she was beginning to harbor feelings akin to affection for him.
She didn't think of herself as the "easy" type. It had only been a short time, but… the time she had spent with Haru had been, for her, an indescribably heart-pounding experience.
Their meeting could be called fairly fateful.
His personality was gentlemanly and kind, though with some quirks, yet he was also friendly and cheerful.
His combat sense was exceptional even to a novice's eyes, and his back was so reliable it almost made her want to complain—she would never say it out loud, but he was very cool.
And there was one more thing she could say she liked—no, one thing she could already say she loved.
It was the face of a completely innocent child he showed when he was engrossed in adventure.
And the face of a mature adult who would gently support her, which he always showed when she was feeling weak.
She had noticed. Every time she sensed this duality in him, an unfamiliar feeling would burst deep inside her chest—she was becoming drawn to him.
"Ughhh………………, …"
She hugged her knees tighter and shook her head as if to dissipate the heat.
This was still just "affection"—she was aware it hadn't yet reached the level of "love."
That's why it was "bad," and in short, Sora was currently trying to put the brakes on these feelings. The reason being,
"My first love being someone whose face I don't even know…"
He was someone from a virtual space whose real name and face she didn't know, nor did she even know if they were the same age. No matter how much virtual reality felt indistinguishable from the real world, developing feelings for someone she met there was something she couldn't help but feel hesitant about.
In fact, shortly after [Arcadia] launched, "virtual world romance" caused various problems in the real world as well.
From people like Sora who agonized over "love for someone whose face they don't know," to the problem of players who had families in the real world having "affairs in the virtual world"… Three years later, things have calmed down, but with unwritten rules being established among players, it remains a delicate issue.
Even if Sora were to harbor romantic feelings, and even if she were to act on those feelings with Haru, it wasn't a simple case of it not bothering anyone—that's the scary part of "virtual romance."
Sora knew nothing about the player known as [Haru] in real life, nor did she have any way of finding out. That meant it wouldn't be strange at all if he were a much older person, someone who already had a family.
"…………Haaah."
She pictured Haru with a family, and her spirits sank visibly. She let out a deep sigh. This might really be bad.
"It's a given that he's older… but I wonder by how much…"
Some part of her felt that the age gap couldn't be that large. However, Sora knew the officially announced average age of Arcadia players.
He was almost certainly over twenty… and while it might depend on the person, for Sora, that was already a line that made her hesitant.
Considering the price of the [Arcadia] rig, it was self-evident that it was out of reach for the average young person who wasn't a working adult.
"I wonder how he sees me…"
She had a feeling that he saw her as someone younger.
Haru's way of treating her had been consistent since they met. He was kind and gentlemanly, yet frank and humorous.
His gaze was often like he was watching over her… and she didn't know if he was aware of it, but he projected a somewhat paternal aura. But at the very least, she could tell that he wasn't conscious of her as a member of the opposite sex.
That in itself was honestly very preferable. Sora herself saw Haru largely as a "reliable big brother figure." In order to avoid getting into complicated relationships while playing the game, such a mutual stance should have been the best.
…And that's precisely why Sora was so troubled by the feelings budding in her chest.
The very act of wondering "how the other person sees me" when it came to someone she was fond of meant that it was already that kind of thing.
Moreover, the fact that she felt even a little dissatisfied with being categorized as a little sister figure was already—
"—Aah, enough…!"
She tossed aside the thoughts that were pointlessly spinning in her head, endlessly generating a heat with nowhere to go.
She cut them off without any sense of resolution, the feelings still smoldering with frustration, but she put a lid on them, using Haru, who might be waiting for her to log back in, as an excuse.
—Anyway, for now, I'll just put a lid on everything.
The budding feelings, the worries and confusion that came with them, the complaints about her partner who stirred her heart without a care in the world… for now, at least.
Still feeling restless, she threw her body down rather roughly, and the seat of the [Arcadia] rig caught her with a gentle embrace that would put the finest mattress to shame.
"Drive on!"
Her voice as she uttered the activation key sounded, even to her own ears, just like a "pouting child"—and she thought that maybe she was allowed to complain just a little bit, and decided to leave a tiny crack in the lid she had placed on her heart.
Thank you for reading my work. This is the author, Yuu.
This might get a bit long, so please feel free to read only if you have the time.
Regarding this recent batch of chapters, I actually didn't plan on releasing them all at once. The chapters for today were originally intended to be updated at the usual pace of 1-2 chapters per day.
So why the change? The reason is quite simple.
Unbeknownst to me, my work somehow ended up on the rankings. I was already trembling from the sudden spike in access counts, but when I realized the reason, it all made sense.
It seems that far more people are reading this than I ever imagined, and while I'm happy, I'm also shaking with a mysterious fear.
So, this batch of chapters, under the pretext of being a thank you for all the reads… is actually the result of my motivation exploding and me acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences.
Am I okay with my chapter stockpile? I am not. Please send help.
This got long, but what I really want to say is that I'm a simple creature, so not only access counts, but every single "like" and "bookmark" brings me great joy.
If I were to receive a rating, I'd be doing three cheers in front of my screen. How ridiculous.
It's embarrassing to admit, but it's a fact that such points of evaluation are directly linked to my motivation. So, if you enjoyed my work, please consider leaving a bookmark.
Thank you for your time.