Chapter 486 - Gradually Becoming a Two-Way Street
All in all, it probably took about ten minutes.
After I finished recounting the gist of the past I’d already shared with Sora, the thought that bubbled up was, as expected, something along the lines of, “Is that all there is to it?”
It was a matter I myself had come to terms with years ago, but… just like that time I’d threatened Chitose-san, I should have been resistant to letting anyone else touch upon it.
Well, I guess it just depends on who it is.
Just as Nia had said something similar to me, I suppose I, too, have let her deeper into my heart than I’d realized.
And that’s… well, I guess you could say it’s something to be genuinely happy about…………… but,
“Um, you see… with that, I think my stance has been more or less conveyed.”
“…”
“Uh, Nia-chan? Nia? Nia-san? Hey, did you fall asleep?”
“…Hmph.”
“Good, you’re awake. No, not good, hey, wai—ge, get off me, let go. You’re surprisingly strong in the real world… ugh!”
I had just finished a very thorough and eloquent explanation as to why I’d prefer she refrain from physically entering my personal space for the time being.
So how did I end up pinned down on the sofa? No, really, this is profoundly, deeply, from the bottom of my heart, not good—
…Nope, this is impossible. I have to get out of this, even if it means making a concession. My sanity won’t hold.
“Nia-san, you can stay close, but please go a little easier on me. I’ll even grant some of your requests, so I’m begging for your mercy, seriously…”
Whatever she might demand, it had to be better than this position. That was the reasoning behind my two-thousand-step concession, but it seemed the part about ‘granting requests’ was the clincher. Nia twitched in response and—
“…………This is also bad… no, yes, it’s fine, I’m okay.”
I desperately tried to avert my consciousness from the heat of her back pressing into me as if to demand a second promise, from the sensation of her slender legs wrapped around my thighs, and erased every last feeling from my arms, which were now forced around her waist.
I can’t erase it. Someone help me.
Nia, nestled perfectly between my knees, seemed… not exactly overjoyed, but she couldn’t be dissatisfied now that her order had been fulfilled.
Even so, could you please stop stroking my arm? It’s not my body, but my heart that’s getting all ticklish, and I swear if you took my temperature right now it’d be two degrees above normal—
Hey.
“Yes.”
When I reflexively responded to the scribbled word on the notepad she’d placed on my lap, her pen hesitated for a moment before she slowly began to string letters together.
Thanks for telling me.
“Well, it was necessary.”
You think so? I think it’s something you could’ve kept secret.
“When I say it was necessary, I mean I wanted to tell you.”
You wanted to?
“Yes.”
Her hand stopped, and the words trailed off. I wondered for a moment if I should wait, then opened my mouth.
“It’s partly for self-preservation. I might have a slightly warped way of thinking because of all that, so there’s definitely an element of making excuses, asking you to overlook it when I drag my feet… Yeah, definitely there—calm down, I’m not done.”
I knew if I said something that made a joke of myself, I would be scolded. Therefore, I don’t say negative things just for the sake of being scolded.
I caught the hand that was about to pinch my thigh and—after a moment’s hesitation—kept holding it.
“The other thing is, well, this is also self-preservation in a way. Actually, this is a hundred times lamer. It’s my way of showing I’m trying.”
The eyes that turned to me were so close, it took my breath away. But I endured, refusing to look away, and spoke the arrogant words I was responsible for uttering.
“Even though I’m over the event itself, scary things are still scary. That feeling remains, and it probably won’t ever disappear completely—but that’s exactly why I can show you I’m serious, right?”
“…”
“I’ll kick my trauma to the curb. I won’t run, and I won’t look away. And I won’t just pretend to face it, either.”
My face was burning, but I had to push through. If I didn’t say it with conviction, there wouldn’t be a single cool thing about it.
“I will never be half-hearted about this. I won’t let anyone regret falling for me.”
At the very least, that’s how determined I am. So that when the time comes for me to give my answer, everyone will feel that I was ‘worth devoting their heart to’.
This was my do-or-die declaration of intent, a promise to face them with everything I have.
“……So, yeah, I’m desperate too. What I’m trying to say is—”
Unconsciously, my grip tightened. I looked back into the eyes staring intently at me, wondering what she was thinking as I continued to spout whatever I pleased.
I hid my inner turmoil, at a complete loss as to what kind of expression to make while saying something this embarrassing… and forced the corners of my mouth up into a strained smile.
“I’m probably the one who’s, by a long shot, the most intense. You’d do well not to get that wrong.”
In short, I’m a difficult, complex, troublesome, and emotionally heavy piece of work.
It wouldn’t be fair not to show my weaknesses and shortcomings. Therefore, showing them is a request for fairness—which, I believe, is nothing less than a sign of my sincerity.
And to convey all of that—
“That’s why I wanted to tell you. Have I made myself clear?”
That was my limit. If she kept staring at me, I’d only be able to offer a weird face in return. I grabbed a nearby cushion in my time of need, blocking my view and giving my burning face a chance to cool.
Now then, how would Nia-chan react…? I braced myself, but she remained surprisingly quiet on my lap—for about ten seconds or so.
Just as I heard the scratching sound again, she gently tapped my knee.
Peeking out from behind my guard, I saw the back of her fluffy, long-haired head. The pen was tossed on the table, and in one free hand was a notepad with a single message scrawled on it—her other hand was gripping mine tightly, refusing to let go.
I tossed the cushion aside and peered at the unusually small letters.
Should I tell you about myself, too?
I didn’t know what train of thought led Nia to write that.
Was it in return, because I had told her about myself? Or was it to refute my claim that I was the most intense one here?
I didn’t know, but there was one thing I thought I understood.
“Another time is fine.”
“…, …”
Unlike me, who was on the verge of a crisis of reason and needed to declare my stance as quickly as possible, her story probably wasn't something that had to be told right this instant.
She shouldn’t feel pressured to talk just because I’d arbitrarily dumped my life story on her. Of course, if Nia herself wanted to talk, I would humbly listen.
“I think it’s a delicate subject. That’s why I want you to let me ask one thing, straight up—is this a problem I should be concerned about?”
Some might condemn those words as unbelievably insensitive. That’s precisely why I only said them now, alone with Nia.
When I spoke with Mitsueda-san before, a similar situation arose, and the words I gave her then were my honest feelings. I have no particular interest in the fact that Nia has lost her ‘voice’.
To be precise, I don’t think it’s something I need to worry about much.
Because,
“You’re exactly the same in the virtual world as you are in the real world, aren’t you? Always lively, always boisterous, and always messing with me… though that last one might go both ways.”
With or without a voice, she honestly doesn’t change.
“So, to be blunt, I haven’t really been particularly considerate of you here in the real world. I mean, of course you can rely on me if you’re in trouble, and I’ll back you up if anything happens, you know?”
Ever since we met in this world… I’ll confess, it’s only become more so since we met.
“That’s why, if I actually should be more concerned, please tell me and I’ll change my ways… That’s how I feel, so what do you think?”
There was no room to worry about any disadvantage—she was simply a charming girl, and nothing else.
And if I might add, the only reason I could so brazenly say whatever I wanted was simply because,
“—……………Ugh! Hmph!”
“Whoa, what’s with the headbutt? What’s that supposed to mean? Stop it, hey, guk, oi, my real body is more fragile than my avatar, you know? Violence is wro—my solar plexus…!”
Through our time together, I’ve become… well, reasonably confident that I know what kind of treatment she wants.
I really wish she’d realize it.
That I can so naturally perceive these things,
Because I, too, have had my eyes stolen by a certain someone more than just a little.