Chapter 175 - <18>
A true winter arrived in Tashkur.
The entertainment district had suffered the worst damage from Kamala's wind dragon, and many of the injured were its residents. So, with Anil's help, Anna quickly borrowed a small, free house and set up a makeshift clinic. Out of necessity, all four of them moved there from the inn where they had been paying for lodging.
Anna worked busily there every day. The Birdfolk, who dealt with wind spirits, had no spirit users capable of healing, so Anna's power was greatly appreciated. That busyness was a blessing. If she stood still, she would end up thinking about Kamala, and about what Kamala had said regarding Ritz, and fall into depression.
Extending a helping hand to others—a hand that had failed to reach Kamala—was the only way Anna could connect to life.
Immediately after the incident, she saw many injured people, but about a month later, the people visiting Anna shifted from the injured to the sick. Vimala, who had been dispatched by Faye to help out, told her that a surprising number of residents were catching severe colds as they experienced their first winter in Tashkur.
Franz and Edward were also at the clinic, helping Anna. Edward was sometimes called away to help resolve disputes among the people of the entertainment district, so it was usually just Franz, Anna, and Vimala, along with Sara napping by the hearth.
Ritz wasn't there.
Havving earned money working at the collapse site in the Birdfolk residential area, Ritz was now earning a small sum doing similar manual labor in the entertainment district. Their unexpected extended stay in Tashkur had put the group's finances in a major pinch.
So even though they were living under the same roof, she hadn't been alone with Ritz recently. In fact, she hadn't seen him at all except when all four of them were together.
For a few days after the incident, she had intentionally avoided Ritz. Her emotions were a mess, and she no longer knew what kind of face to make when talking to him. When he looked at her with concern, she would instinctively look down. When he smiled at her, her face would turn red, and she would quickly turn away so he wouldn't notice.
Each time, Ritz would fall silent, let out a small sigh, and move away from her. It was a repeating cycle.
She had never once thought about what her feelings for Ritz were. A person she wanted to be with, an important person, a partner who she could understand and be understood by.
She had never felt the need to put a label on those feelings, but when asked what she wanted for the future, for the first time, she found herself not wanting to give him up to anyone. As someone who had been a caretaker at an orphanage, Anna knew that this was a possessive desire.
Was this emotion a childish feeling of not wanting to lose someone who cared for her, or was it a passionate love that burned fiercely, like Kamala's? As long as Anna couldn't tell the difference, she couldn't look Ritz straight in the face.
But that attitude seemed to have created some kind of misunderstanding with Ritz, and by the time she noticed, Ritz had also begun to avoid her. Recently, Ritz would glance at Anna as if concerned, but then avert his eyes without a word and quietly disappear, looking apologetic.
She realized that the dense, unspoken atmosphere that had existed between them before the incident had vanished, and in its place, a strange sort of haze had begun to drift.
She didn't know what kind of face to make, she didn't know how she used to interact with him, and yet she felt so helpless about everything. She just wanted Ritz to be by her side and hold her in his arms like before. She wanted him to gently kiss her cheek and forehead. But if he did, she would be terribly troubled.
She really didn't know what to do.
"Anna, I'm heading home for today."
In the evening, as the snow began to fall in earnest, Vimala said this and left the clinic. Naturally, Ritz and Edward were also out, and strangely, even Franz was gone, perhaps to buy groceries. Maybe because it was dark outside, Sara was also gone from the hearth. When Franz was going to be late, he would silently take Sara with him.
With a sigh, Anna moved alone from the clinic area facing the entrance to the common room and sat down in her usual chair. This was the place where they all ate together twice a day. When everyone was present, it felt cramped, but alone, it seemed strangely spacious.
As she sat there with her chin in her hand, lost in thought, the front door opened. Edward usually came back around this time, so she turned with a smile, only to freeze. It was Ritz who came in, shaking the snow that clung to his black hair.
Ritz also stiffened when he noticed Anna. After a moment of silent confrontation, Ritz asked gruffly.
"...You alone?"
"Ah, yeah."
"Umm, mind if I sit?"
"Yeah."
Ritz sat down in his usual seat, diagonally across from Anna. An awkward silence filled the air. Finally, as if unable to bear it any longer, Ritz turned to face her.
"Hey."
"What is it?"
"Did I do something to upset you?"
"Huh?"
"I mean, I'm a hopeless guy, and I'm sure there are a million reasons why you'd find me unpleasant, but I'll do my best to fix it, so could you tell me the reason?"
Anna flinched at his earnest, pleading gaze. The usual confidence and composure were completely gone, replaced by a desperate expression. But Anna didn't know how to respond. When she lowered her eyes and fell silent, Ritz placed both hands on the table and bowed his head.
"I'm sorry. I don't know what it is, but it's my fault. Please forgive me."
"Th-that's not it!"
Even when she frantically denied it, Ritz didn't raise his head.
"I'm serious, it's not your fault, Ritz."
"No, it's my fault."
Strictly speaking, it was Ritz's fault... or rather, she was agonizing because of Ritz's existence, so denying it would be a lie. But it really wasn't Ritz's fault. As she struggled for words, Ritz lifted his head. He looked at Anna with the same pleading eyes as he had in Ciedena Forest.
"I really can't make it without you. Please, get over your bad mood."
"Ritz..."
"Like Jin said, I don't have a specific lover, I fool around, I go out at night... I know from the start that I'm a completely useless man with no morals in your eyes. But I need you. I can't stand not being able to talk to you like this anymore. It's just too hard. Please, just talk to me. I'm not asking for it to be like before."
"..."
"Please, Anna. I'm begging you."
Ritz once again placed both hands on the table and bowed his head. Unsure of how to deny it, Anna just stared at Ritz. Then, the words tumbled out.
"Ritz, can I ask you something?"
"Ask me anything."
"...Have you ever been in love?"
Ritz's eyes widened in an instant. Then he let out a small sigh and, as if having made some sort of resolution, looked straight at Anna.
"I have."
"Right. Of course you have, Ritz."
"Yeah. But only seriously twice."
"...That's not many."
"Surprised?"
"Yeah. So, is there someone you like right now?"
Looking straight at him, she asked. Ritz froze for a moment, then sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. Finally, he looked straight back at Anna and declared.
"There is."
For an instant, her mind went blank. They had been together for over a year, but she had never even considered that Ritz might have someone he liked. If there was someone like that, if she had known, she would never have acted so familiarly and affectionately as she had until now.
"There... is..."
"Yeah."
"You're... in love..."
"I am. I care about her a whole lot."
"I see... So there's someone like that..."
"...Huh?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know. I might have done something inconsiderate to her."
"Eh?"
For some reason, Ritz was staring at Anna with a completely dumbfounded expression, his mouth hanging open. He was probably appalled by how oblivious Anna was, fawning over him without realizing he had someone he liked.
"Hehehe. Sorry, I didn't notice."
Pressing a hand to her chest, which ached as if it were being squeezed, Anna stood up. She resolved that she couldn't think about wanting to be held in Ritz's arms anymore, she couldn't wish for him to be gentle with her anymore.
"Anna, wait a second. Are you misunderstanding something?"
"I'm not misunderstanding anything. If anything, I might have been the one misunderstanding things until now."
Trying to act cheerful so as not to worry the bewildered Ritz, she could tell her voice was cracking slightly. But even that strained cheerfulness was better than nothing to hold back the pain in her chest and the tears threatening to spill.
"In that case, Ritz, do you think you might understand Kamala-san's feelings?"
"What kind of feelings?"
"The kind of feeling where you love your partner so much that you'd kill anyone who gets in the way. I just couldn't understand it."
Forcing a smile, she said this, hoping to hear Ritz reply, 'How should I know?' Instead, Ritz let out a small sigh.
"...I get it. I get it, but now... I've decided I'll never do anything the person I love doesn't want."
"I-I see."
"That's how important that woman is to me."
Ritz's dark brown eyes were terrifyingly serious, and he was looking straight at Anna, which made her flinch. At the same time, she understood. There was no way that Anna, who was treated like a child, could ever compete with the woman Ritz loved in such a way.
"I think I'm tired from healing so many people today. I'm going to bed."
Standing up with a clatter, Anna spun on her heel and ran out of the common room.
"Hey, wait, Anna!"
Ritz's frantic voice chased after her, but she couldn't look back. She shut the door to her room, locked it, and collapsed onto the bed. For some reason, tears started to flow.
"How stupid."
A sob escaped with her voice.
"I'm so stupid..."
She finally realized. It wasn't that Ritz was the most important person to her after her adoptive father; the person named Ritz Alster had become the most important person in her life. Not familial love or romantic love, he was a precious, precious person, in a way that couldn't be divided by such words.
But to only realize this upon hearing that he had someone else he liked was just too cruel.
If he were to hold her now and kiss her cheek and forehead like before, she would almost certainly end up saying it. Look at me, not someone else. It was just too selfish to want Ritz for herself, even after hearing he had someone he liked.
She felt dizzy at this first glimpse of her own deep desires.
"What should I do..."
Her face buried in the bed, Anna whispered.
"I don't know... what to do..."
Outside the window, the snow was piling up. The snow continued to fall in Anna's heart, accumulating into a cold, hard mass.
From that day on, the relationship between Anna and Ritz deteriorated even further. They could no longer see into each other's hearts. Something precious had been broken.
Sweeping up those around them as well, they exchanged awkward words in a strained relationship before leaving Tashkur in the spring. As the first tourists of spring arrived in Tashkur, the group set off with Anil as their guide towards their next destination.
They were heading to Tarnien. To the land of the people of water, said to lie dormant deep within a fjord carved into the land.
Anna did her best to avoid being alone with Ritz, speaking cheerfully with Franz and Edward. Ritz, who had seemed to want to say something to her, eventually gave up and only made small talk. His tone was exactly the same as when they had first met, a conversation between a guardian and his ward.
Feeling as though something precious between them had been completely shattered, Anna felt as if she had been locked away in darkness. She had thought that she could be with Ritz forever, that he was someone who couldn't survive without her by his side.
But what a cruel irony it was to realize that this was her own wish, not Ritz's.
Someday, she would have to overcome this pain in her chest and become strong enough to smile in front of Ritz and his lover.
Though Anna had made this resolution, she had no way of knowing that she would witness a shocking sight in the unexpectedly near future.
In April of the year 1573 of the Yuresla Kingdom Calendar, their journey, which had been interrupted for over four months, began once more.