Chapter 176 - 2-58
Even after Nel-sama left with Kuro, Louis-sama and I remained where we were.
Perhaps it was because we knew we would return to our daily lives tomorrow that we found it so hard to leave this place. Louis-sama likely sensed my feelings, as he didn't suggest returning to our rooms either.
We gazed at the starry sky, our conversation never-ending. It was as if we were trying to fill the void left by the time we had spent apart.
“Even now, it’s hard to believe we’re here in the Spirit Land as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. I had so many things I wanted to say to the Dark Spirit King, but I couldn't say a word.”
“Is that because he saved your life?”
Louis-sama had suddenly woken up in a different world one day without any explanation. Without any way to judge the situation, he had been forced to participate in a game devised by the Dark Spirit King.
He must have had many thoughts about that, and perhaps he had intended to give him a piece of his mind when they finally met.
“That’s right. I can’t thank the Dark Spirit King or you enough, Rachel. So that might be part of it. Besides, he has a personality that’s hard to hate, no matter how selfishly he acts.”
“I understand that. He’s very friendly, so I sometimes forget, but when I witness his power as a Spirit King, I realize the overwhelming gap between us. However, lately, I feel like he’s trying to empathize with people and understand human emotions.”
Louis-sama nodded at my words, a peaceful smile on his face.
“Yeah. I’m really glad I could have a proper talk with the Spirit King today. I feel like my perspective has broadened once again.”
“I’m glad to hear that. When I thought you might not survive, I sought Nel-sama’s help without hesitation. I did so without knowing how much hardship it would cause you.”
At that time, I had been desperate, clutching at straws. Still, when I think of what Louis-sama experienced and his state of mind, I don't know what the best course of action would have been.
I often reflected that things might have been different if I had possessed more power to use dark magic back then. That was why I had learned dark magic from Nel-sama after coming to the Spirit Land, in addition to what Prince Ricardo had taught me. As a result, I believe I can now control my magic well enough to heal animals.
Even so, the past cannot be changed. At that time, I was powerless and had no other choice.
“Even so... I think I would still prioritize saving your life, Louis-sama.”
“No, don’t worry about it. If you hadn't made that choice, I don’t know what would have happened to me. And if I were in the same position, I would have done the same thing.”
Louis-sama’s large hand covered mine as it rested on the table. When I looked up, his serious eyes were staring straight into mine.
“Of course, there was a lot of confusion, and the days were maddening. I took my anger out on my other self, and I had plenty I wanted to say to the Dark Spirit King.”
Louis-sama looked up, gazing at the distant, twinkling stars. In this land of clear air, the sky was filled with even more brilliance than the sky over the royal capital.
“But, how should I put it? Once I returned to my original body and woke up, all of that seemed to stop mattering.”
“It stopped mattering?”
As I looked at him blankly, Louis-sama shrugged.
“Yeah. Once I saw your face, the worries, fears, and frustrations of that other world all felt so small.”
I caught my breath at his words. My heart felt a painful squeeze of emotion. His words, his gaze, and his expression all conveyed with his entire being just how much he cherished me.
“Being at a distance where I can touch you like this, and having our feelings reach each other... I realized that isn’t something to be taken for granted.”
His quiet murmur held a trace of weakness that was unusual for him.
“I thought I was the only one who could protect you. I believed that if I used my intellect, my position, and my ability to act, there was nothing impossible. But all of that is meaningless without life.”
Regrets and reflections are only possible if one is alive. Because we are living, we have the present.
Dreaming while asleep, waking up to the morning sun. Relaxing in bed, talking with someone, or smiling while thinking of a loved one. To me, such an ordinary daily life was something that repeated every day without anything special happening. I never doubted that it was the norm.
I never considered how precious that daily life was, or how fragile it could be, potentially lost in the blink of an eye.
If I hadn't died once. If I hadn't witnessed the fact that I might lose Louis-sama.
“Rachel, I’m sorry for making you feel so scared. As a result of me rushing ahead trying to handle everything on my own, I almost lost all of this happiness.”
“Louis-sama...”
“That world was slightly different from this one. A slight difference in awareness, a slight difference in timing—it was terrifying to see how much those things could change everything. I might have been on the verge of making the same mistake.”
Louis-sama’s hand covering mine was warm as ever. But his voice trembled slightly. His face was tense, his expression somber.
“Losing something... is so terrifying. I didn’t know.”
Louis-sama smiled sadly, but it looked as if his heart was crying. To me, he looked like a child hiding and crying alone. I instinctively stood up and moved behind him, wrapping my arms around him in a tight embrace from behind.
“...You must have been feeling this kind of fear all along, Rachel.”
“Louis-sama...”
Louis-sama gently grasped my hands where they rested on his chest.
“When I lost my life once before, it happened in an instant, without any time for mental preparation. I’m sure my parents were the ones who suffered the most.”
Of course, I would never forget the fear and pain of that time. But the feeling was different from the helplessness of having to watch silently as Louis-sama’s light of life was about to go out.
“But this time was different. It was a completely different kind of terror from losing my own life. When I thought about living in a world where I had lost the person I love, I was so scared I didn't know what to do. It was as if the world before me had turned pitch black, as if the light I should have had was slipping through my fingers.”
“Yes, I understand that well.”
Louis-sama nodded once at my words and turned around. His eyes as he looked up at me standing behind him held a strong will, as if he had made a decision. The hand holding mine tightened slightly.
“I promise. I will not die and leave you behind.”
At those words, I felt as if time had stopped. Only the Spirit King of Light, who can see the future, knows who will die first. Neither I nor Louis-sama know anything about the future ahead.
But perhaps those were the words I had wanted to hear most of all.
“So, Rachel, please live a long life as well. Now that I’ve known the happiness of being with the person I love, I can’t imagine a life without you.”
The fear of dying. The fear of losing. To a coward like me, he gave a reason to live. My heart overflowed with Louis-sama’s kindness and affection, and my eyes grew hot.
“As long as we live, things will change for better or worse. But even if one of us dies first, my feelings will not change. There is a man who wished to love and protect you for his entire life. That feeling is immutable.”
Every time I felt the depth of Louis-sama’s love, I wondered if I was returning those feelings in words as well. I felt as if I was always the one receiving from him.
I’m glad to be alive. I’m glad to have met this person.
Filled with those thoughts, I buried my face in Louis-sama’s shoulder and tightened my embrace, wishing for my feelings to reach him as much as possible. Tears spilled from my eyes, wetting his shoulder.
Louis-sama let out a soft breath. Even without seeing his face, I could tell he was smiling gently, his eyes crinkling.
“I’m sorry for pushing such heavy feelings on you. But I love you.”
“I... I love you too.”
If I spoke any more, the tears would overflow. But I knew that Louis-sama would just look at me and smile peacefully.
I knew I was right when Louis-sama used his hands to lift my face. I felt the heat from our gazes as we stared at each other from a hair’s breadth away.
In my vision, Louis-sama’s eyes were so captivating that the star-filled night sky seemed to fade in comparison. As his face slowly approached, I softly closed my eyes.
Under the starry sky, what touched my lips was Louis-sama’s gentle warmth.