Chapter 68 - A Spark of Resolve
After the audience with His Majesty, I was consumed by self-loathing. I hoistered myself in my room without eating, and my parents, sensing my state, left me in peace. Tears traced paths down my cheeks and soaked into the bedsheets.
Why did I sign it?
Of course, I had no other choice in that moment. The silent pressure from the Chancellor... and in the end, even my father had simply shaken his head without a word. Perhaps it really was impossible. Perhaps I could no longer be his fiancée.
One part of me refused to accept it, while another understood that I had to. My opponents were the King and the Saint. I possessed no power to stand against them.
"Meow."
"Kuro... Yes, I'm alright. I'm fine."
Kuro, who had stayed by my side since I returned home, hopped onto the bed and peered worriedly into my face. I'm fine, I'm fine. I chanted it like a mantra, but the ache in my chest wouldn't subside. On the contrary, thinking of Louis only brought fresh tears.
"What should I do?"
"Nya."
"Because... I love him. I love His Highness."
The mere thought of it made the tears overflow again. Even when I wiped them away, more followed. I loved his stubbornness, his large, warm hands. I loved the way he would blush slightly when I stared at him, his voice softening as he asked, "What is it?" I loved the way the light in his eyes changed so frequently.
Without realizing it, I had fallen so deeply in love. That was why it hurt so much. My heart felt as though it were being crushed, and my entire body screamed in protest. The future where I stood beside him had been severed. The thought alone filled me with despair.
Would it have been better if I had never loved him? Would I have been spared this pain? But could I really do that? Did I truly want to erase the days we spent together? I asked myself, and the only answer was no.
If so, what went wrong? Was it because of my past sins? Or was my atonement toward the Saint insufficient?
In the darkened room, only the moonlight filtering through the open curtains provided a faint glow. Even that silvery light reminded me of the color of his hair, a constant reminder that he existed in every corner of my heart.
"I could never... act as if it never happened."
And yet, I had let it end.
A hollow emptiness opened up in my soul. Just then, a soft knock sounded at the door. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand, took a small breath, and answered.
"Come in."
Sarah entered, and the moment she saw me, her face contorted with pain. I must look terrible.
"Um, Ojou-sama. The Master asked me to give this letter to you."
"A letter?"
"Yes. Also..." Sarah started to speak but hesitated, likely unsure of how to comfort me. "Sarah, I'm fine. I'll ring the bell if I need anything. Actually... could you bring me a light snack in a little while?"
"Y-Yes, of course!"
I forced a smile, feigning composure. It probably wasn't very convincing, and Sarah likely saw right through me. Yet, she chose to say nothing. I felt her kindness in that silence. My parents were the same; they were surely hurting too, yet they gave me space. That consideration alone felt like a salvation.
With a quick "Excuse me," Sarah left the room. I was left with a single, high-quality envelope without a sender's name. I took the letter and stood unsteadily from the bed, moving to my desk. I switched on the magic-stone lamp, picked up a paper knife, and broke the seal.
As I opened the stationery inside, my eyes widened in shock.
"His Highness... it's his handwriting."
The tears I thought I had suppressed welled up again, a single drop falling onto the paper and blurring a character into a black smudge. I tried to calm my racing heart as I read through the three pages. It began with a greeting, followed by an explanation of the King's summons and an apology for the situation. Then came the powerful words: I will handle this myself, so please wait for me.
Louis couldn't have done anything to prevent this either. Not when the King was involved. In this kingdom, no one had the means to say no to him. Yet, he was still trying to do something within his power. And what about me?
I was always the one being protected. This time, the problem lay with me—I lacked the power to counter the Saint. The King had judged her more suitable to be the Crown Princess. All I had was my lineage and my contract with the Spirit of Darkness. I looked at Kuro, who was now busy chasing a ball at my feet. Seeing him batting at it with his paws made my stiff expression soften, and a natural smile touched my lips.
The Spirit of Darkness... I still didn't understand the mystery behind it. I didn't even know why I was able to contract with Kuro. My lineage and my contract weren't powers I had earned through my own effort.
I carefully tucked the letter back into its envelope and placed it in the top drawer. Then, I moved to the basin Sarah had left with the letter. I washed my face with the cool water and patted it dry. The gloom that had hung over me seemed to lift slightly, replaced by a sense of clarity.
I couldn't keep leaving everything to him. I didn't know what would happen to the engagement. As things stood, no matter what Louis did, there was a high chance the dissolution would become permanent. Yet, he was refusing to obey the King. He was likely already moving, already formulating a plan.
If so, what would I do? What could a person who only knows how to grieve accomplish? The future of standing beside him wasn't a seat granted to those who merely wait. After all, that seat was no longer officially mine.
This was my weakness. Since waking up at fifteen, I had accepted the idea of giving up. I had simply accepted everything and failed to resist. I had tried to change, and my actions had led to a different present. But it wasn't enough. I had to face the fear I had locked deep inside. That was what true strength meant.
Louis was trying so hard to change things with his own hands. I didn't need to defeat her; I needed to not lose to myself. I needed the strength to resist, regardless of the outcome.
The power to do that... it was time to face it.