200 - Currently in Full Shut-In Mode
With the express messenger's news of Aurelia's death, Alfred had to make a hasty return to the capital. I had been thinking he would extend his stay as long as possible, saying things like he would not leave until he saw Alf's face, so this was a bit unexpected. He is a prince who wears you out by dragging you around when he is around, but I suppose there is merit to his having been granted a Royal Peerage after all. It is truly so unexpected I could say it over and over, but I never imagined he could separate public and private matters like that.
...That is how big of a deal Aurelia-san's death really is, I suppose.
Even someone like me can easily imagine that at most, the secret arts of the saint Yuuta Hiraga have finally been lost. But I can tell that Leonardo and the other Black Knights have suddenly become busy. Aurelia belonged to the Sedovara Church, and since the Black Knights who are knights of the Ivisia Kingdom were watching her, there must be many things I cannot see.
...The effects of the secret arts being cut off, huh.
The number of Black Knights coming to the residence as messengers increased, and for a while Leonardo continued his work at the residence too. But eventually he had to increase the security personnel at the residence and move his workplace back to the Grenore Fortress. He apologized with just a single line, saying it was bad that he could not be by my side even at a time like this. Is that progress, I wonder? He would not have even noticed such a thing before. So since it was already known I was a reincarnator anyway, I gave up and told him, "I am a little different from normal children, so I will be fine," and sent Leonardo off to the fortress. Even if I feel lonely or sad, I am different from normal children, so I can manage being home alone. And it is not like I am truly alone. My family is just Leonardo, but there are also my tutor Hermine, my nurse maid Salisa, and Bart and Tabitha.
...How much of the secret arts were Paula-san and Barbara-san able to inherit, I wonder?
Barbara, who had experience as a pharmacist, had been rejected for even making powders, but Paula, being an amateur, was supposedly praised for having a good memory. Between the two of them, could they not have inherited at least a little something?
...But the Sedovara Church will be checking on that right away, right?
After all, it is information about medicine. Aurelia's death is irreversible, but this should be the first thing they want to confirm.
...There probably will not be any obvious, immediate effects.
Aurelia was always holed up in Waiyakku Valley. So unlike a pharmacist who makes house calls, she had no regular patients. Furthermore, Aurelia shipped the medicine she made to the Sedovara Church, so there should not be an immediate shortage of medicine.
...But even if it is not immediate, there will definitely be effects eventually.
While Leonardo was working in the residence, I spent time in the same room as him. But once Leonardo left for the fortress, I returned to my own room. My room on the third floor that Leonardo prepared for me is too spacious and I cannot relax at all. Even now, leaning my back against a huge bear stuffed toy, anxiety and loneliness well up inside me.
...And yet, I cannot cry at all.
I loved Aurelia dearly, but I think I am cold-hearted for not shedding a single tear. When I think about it, I could not even cry when my parents in this life died. It was only after more than half a year had passed that I was finally able to cry about my parents' death.
...Am I just numb?
The deaths of people I loved. And for that, I do not shed a single tear. It is sad, and lonely, and my chest is filled with a hazy, murky feeling. But still, the tears will not come. I can only think that my senses have gone numb.
In the end, since my third-floor room was not relaxing, I decided to spend time in the attic, thinking that spring had come now. When Hermine's lessons are happening, I go up to the third floor, but the rest of the time I mostly shut myself in the attic and roll my bobbins. Perhaps because I had been working on bobbin lace with complete single-mindedness, I feel like I have already perfected the simplest geometric pattern that Aurelia taught me.
...Come to think of it, I remember thinking I wanted to hole up in the attic before too.
That was, if I recall, the first winter after coming to the city of Grenore. I suddenly realized that the people of Mey Village who were alive last year were now only me this year, and I felt lonely. I think the fact that I had been suffering from homesickness a little before that also affected me.
...Back then, Leonardo-san had the key, so I could not hole up in the attic.
I felt like if I entered the attic, which had a simple atmosphere similar to the house in Mey Village, I would never want to leave again. That I would be pulled in by the memories of my parents in Mey Village and shut myself in the room.
Last time I could not hole up in the attic because Leonardo had the key. But this time, I went in of my own accord. And on top of that, Leonardo, who should be the one to drag me out of the room, is away at the fortress.
...It is just that I feel a bit safe here, that is all. I am not going to shut myself away.
I told myself that over and over, rolling the bobbins with a clack, clack. I was weaving lace in the narrow, comforting attic. But for some reason, Hermine did not approve.
"Regressing again, are we? Please try to compose yourself a little."
Today's lesson should have been over. But when I noticed, Hermine was in the room. I looked up from my lace weaving and turned toward the voice, and Hermine had her hands on her hips in a bit of a scolding mode. Even though it was not during a lesson, and I was not doing anything unladylike.
"...I am a child, Hermine-sensei."
"I am well aware. That is not what I mean. What I am saying is that you should also learn to calm yourself a little."
"'Calm,' you say?"
I tilted my head, wondering what she meant. I admit I am a bit of a tomboy, but I prided myself on being plenty well-behaved for a ten-year-old. Being scolded for lacking composure was a little hard to accept.
"The declaration you yourself made, that you would improve when you turned ten, was reset back to square one by your quarrel with your brother in the summer. And just recently, I thought you had finally started behaving in a more ladylike manner again..."
After hearing the news of Aurelia's death, you shut yourself in the attic, Hermine said. If it were her third-floor room, she might have overlooked it. But choosing the attic as her hiding place seemed to have alarmed Hermine. She must think this is a serious case that will not recover quickly.
"I understand that you are sad about losing someone close to you. It is a natural expression of human emotion. But I would be troubled if you remain withdrawn forever."
Learn to switch your emotions, Hermine said, her face the same one she used during lessons. It seemed she was going to give me a lesson today, even outside of class hours.
"Alfred-sama is surely shaken by the news of Aurelia-sama's death as well, but he is carrying on as usual."
"Alf-san is an adult. I am still a child, so is it not fine if I do not switch my feelings right away?"
Since Hermine calls both Alfred the prince and Alf 'Alfred-sama,' for a moment the princely Alfred came to mind. But when it came to 'Alfred-sama' being shaken by Aurelia's death, she meant Alf. The prince Alfred was also shaken, but that was more the reaction of a ruler than the shock of hearing about the death of someone he revered. He was briefly shaken by the news of Aurelia's death, but immediately figured out what actions he needed to take and returned to the capital to carry them out.
"I initially thought the same and waited. But seeing no signs of improvement whatsoever, I decided to meddle a little, in a most unladylike fashion."
"...Meddling, you say?"
"Have you not noticed? The amount of food you eat has decreased, you speak less, you barely leave the attic, and you do not even come out to the garden. The residence staff are worried, saying as much."
Since I am the master of the residence while Leonardo is away, I must not cause the staff unease. I must not be such an incompetent master that the staff worry about me. She admonished me at length about such things. But stripping away the extra decoration, Hermine was simply saying, "I will not deny your grief, but please recover quickly and set their minds at ease." Understanding that, Hermine's words honestly sank into my head.
...It is true that staying holed up weaving lace forever would not accomplish anything.
I had not been able to go into the details in the chaos, but I had received an order from Alfred to present myself at the capital. I could not keep being depressed and holed up forever. At some point, I needed to draw a line and return to my daily life.
...We were supposed to live together, but we have not yet done that.
If I was going to keep living in Grenore as before, life without Aurelia would be no different from before. The thing that was supposed to change simply remained unchanged. It was more than a little sad, but I had no choice but to accept that.
"Then I shall conduct a lesson outside of class hours."
"Yes, sensei."
At Hermine's straightened posture, I automatically let go of the bobbins. When I straightened my own posture, Hermine's lesson in the attic began immediately.
"...Then let me teach you how to weather various events."
As a lady, there are times when, no matter how unreasonable the words thrown at you by a superior or how much you are harmed, you must not show anger or tears on the spot. As a way to weather such passions, Hermine said to separate one's thinking. Objectively observe one's own situation apart from one's emotions.
"As I said earlier, grieving is not a bad thing. It is only natural to mourn someone you cherished like a grandmother."
But that does not mean you should be consumed by sadness and neglect everything else. Using my current situation as an example, the amount I ate and how much I spoke had decreased, causing the staff to worry. It was serious enough that Hermine, who would normally wait until I noticed it myself and came to consult her about improvement, had personally come to the attic.
"...Can I really do something so difficult?"
I think my thought process is rather simple in structure. When my heart is full of sadness, I do not feel I could ever objectively observe myself.
"You manage it in daily life, so with practice, you should be able to acquire it as a skill."
"...I do not think I am doing anything so difficult in daily life?"
"Then it must be unconscious."
Normally, for a ten-year-old, I seemed to be managing emotional control by the skin of my teeth. I could endure most unreasonable situations right up to the limit. And while I sometimes panicked in unexpected situations, it was never to the point of complete panic, and I could quickly recover and regain my composure. I could tell Hermine was praising me. But the more I heard, the more unbearable I felt.
...That is probably because I am a Japanese reincarnator on the inside.
Since I have more life experience than a normal child, I probably appear to have emotional control. Behind Hermine's back, I am quite the tomboy. If Hermine knew the truth, she would certainly not claim I had good emotional control for my age.
...But really?
I understood that Hermine had come to comfort me of her own accord. It was something Leonardo, who could not always be by my side because of work, or the staff, who needed to maintain a certain distance as master and servant, could not do. It was something only a tutor, who was neither family nor servant, could do.
...I need to cheer up.
It was a truly small shift in my thinking. But I honestly thought so. I had to recover quickly. I could not keep worrying Salisa and the others forever.
...Objectively observe emotions and circumstances, was it?
According to Hermine's explanation, it was more about separating action from emotion than objective observation. I was aware I was missing the point a bit. But the situation where my hands were endlessly rolling the bobbins while my mind was empty felt very close to that. The only difference was whether the action I should take was behaving like a lady or rolling bobbins.
...No matter my feelings, I should strive to behave like a lady.
For now, I decided to start with the easiest thing I could think of. First, eat all the meals served to me without leaving any. Just that alone would reassure Tabitha and Salisa.
I am sad about Aurelia. But I have to gradually return to my normal life.
This is Chapter 200. Thank you for 1500 bookmarks before I even noticed. (I felt like I had not mentioned it.) Looking at just the plot outline, Chapter 6 seems to be planned for 20 episodes total. I am looking forward to seeing how many episodes it actually becomes when I write it out cleanly.
Typos and omissions again another day. Fixed any typos and omissions I found.