92 - Memorial Service 2
As I stared at the flickering candle flame, an unfamiliar man spoke to me. He asked if it was the flame for calming Royne's soul. When I answered yes, he asked to sit with me. He seemed to be an acquaintance of Royne.
"...Since Royne-san said she had no family, I was planning to see her off myself, but it seems there was someone else to see her off."
It seemed to be a place to talk about memories of the deceased, so I asked things I normally would not. The only topic we had in common was Royne.
"Are you an acquaintance of Royne-san?"
"An old lover. ...What about you, little girl? You can not be Royne's child..."
"This one is her child, you see."
I held out the candle with "Teo" written on it, correcting his misunderstanding. I met Royne while helping out in the quarantine zone. We were not mother and child.
"...I see. Royne's child also died."
The man's voice as he read the name "Teo" carried a complex weight. Somehow, I thought he might be the father of Royne's Teo. I remembered hearing once that Royne had lost a child around my age. The way he looked at me and immediately thought I might be Royne's child... that might be how it was.
"Can I leave Royne-san's candles to you?"
"Ah, I do not mind, but...?"
"There are other people who said they had no family besides Royne-san, so I will watch over their flames."
When I told him it seemed Royne had someone else to properly watch over her, the man accepted Royne's candles with a teary smile.
I was watching over the candles of people who said they had no family, but strangely, people kept coming. Estranged lovers, family members who had not been in touch for a long time. Acquaintances came to see them off, one by one.
Since I handed over the candles whenever an acquaintance of the deceased appeared, I felt like I got to say goodbye to quite a lot of people myself. As I sat in a circle with the people watching over the candles, sharing memories, it seemed I became known as the child who knew about the people who had been in the quarantine zone. Occasionally people who seemed to be looking for someone would call out to me, and I would listen to the characteristics of the person they were searching for, and if the details matched someone, I would guide them to the seat watching over that person's candle.
"Um... I am looking for a woman named Rosario's candle..."
I was startled when a gloomy-looking man suddenly spoke to me from behind, perhaps because of the darkness of the night. He must have heard somewhere that I knew the quarantine zone residents well. The man's atmosphere bothered me, but the name was familiar, so I searched my memory a little.
"Rosario-san, she has got long brown curly hair, green eyes, and big boobs, right?"
"Yes! That is Rosario!! ...So after all, Rosario is...?"
"If it is Rosario-san's candle, it is not here."
"I see. Rosario was beautiful, after all... Someone else must have seen her off..."
I felt sorry for the gloomy man as his shoulders slumped, but I secretly tilted my head. The name and characteristics seemed to match, so I thought it was her, but the Rosario I knew was hard to call beautiful. She was a woman with a lovely bright smile, but when it came to looks, she had an ordinary face. Also, the gloomy man was mistaken about one thing. I grabbed his clothes as he tried to leave with drooping shoulders. I could not let him go home with that misunderstanding.
"Rosario-san is not dead. She is alive."
"Huh!?"
The gloomy man with dead-fish eyes suddenly brightened when I corrected the information. Until just before, I could only see him as a gloomy man, but once he regained his vitality, his face was an Alf-type handsome man. The kind of pretty-boy heartthrob that maidens dream of.
...Big Brother is way more beautiful than you, you know!?
His hopeful, sparkling eyes were dazzling. There should not have been any actual light coming from them, but I felt it was a little hard to meet his gaze.
"Is it true that Rosario is alive!? But then why has she not come back to me!?"
"Umm...? Even after the disease is cured, there is a possibility of infection spreading from scabs and stuff...?"
After firmly telling him to get the details from a doctor or pharmacist at the Sedovara Church, I roughly explained to the gloomy man-turned-handsome-man that people who recovered from the disease were gathered in one place and made to spend about a year there until they were completely non-infectious. There was only one thing I could say to him, filled with hope as he was.
"You can not go see her until she comes back, okay!"
"Ah, I understand. I understand!"
He nodded with a smile, but for some reason I could not trust him at all. Still grabbing his clothes as he tried to leave as if his business was done, I reported him to a nearby Black Knight. I asked them to convince him to at least exchange letters, since he seemed like he might get excited and charge into the frontier village.
After that, I kept running into people searching for others, and each time I guided the acquaintances of the deceased to the candles and the acquaintances of the living to the Black Knights. I was supposed to be seeing off the dead at the Memorial Service, but before I knew it, I was playing the role of a guide. It was a strange feeling.
When I finished dealing with most people and returned to the first table, I spotted Leonardo. Leonardo was sitting quietly, staring at two candles. The person who had been watching over Royne and Teo's candles had either already gone home or was seeing off others at another seat. The candles in front of Leonardo were clearly longer than Royne's, so they had to be different candles.
"...I am back."
"Welcome back, Tina."
Leonardo patted my head and said it looked like I had been very busy. He might have seen me giving directions at various seats. It seemed I was not going to be scolded for moving around on my own.
"Leonyaldo-san, who are you seeing off?"
"I have already said my goodbyes, so now it is your turn to talk, Tina."
As he said this, he sat me down on a cushion and moved two candles in front of me. The names written in red paint on the white candles were those of my parents.
"...Huh? Dad and Mom?"
Leonardo had always called Father 'Saromon-sama,' but the name written on the candle was 'Saro,' the name Father had used in Mey Village. Not Saromon.
"Dad and Mom are not city people, are they?"
"They are still victims of Words Disease. Why do you not take your time talking to them, Tina."
Invited by Leonardo, I gazed again at the candles with my parents' names on them. I stared at the flickering flames, but somehow the words would not come.
...Even I think this is a little too cold-hearted, is it not?
Even though this was a flame to calm my parents' souls, no emotion or words came to mind. It was the same when I happened to visit their graves at the beginning of autumn. I should have had so many things I wanted to tell my parents, but nothing came to me, and I wanted to leave that lonely village quickly, so I urged Leonardo to come back.
...But is that really right? They raised me, I owe them, and I do think of them as my parents.
I was scared of how heartless I was, unable to find any words. As I stared silently at the wavering flames, Alf called Leonardo from behind. After patting my head with his large hand, Leonardo left his seat. Alone now, I stared fixedly at the candle flames, but still nothing rose in my heart.
"What is wrong, spacing out all by yourself? Whose flame are you seeing off?"
I looked up as a man I did not recognize suddenly spoke to me, peering at my face.
"It is my parents' flame."
"I see. So you are saying your final goodbyes to your parents."
"Good kid," the man said, patting my head and leaving. I wondered what that was about, but then a woman spoke to me.
"What kind of person was your father?"
"Umm...? He was a nice guy, I guess."
Because he was an outsider, the village chief and villagers took advantage of him, and he always drew the short straw. As I answered with whatever came to mind, the woman sat down in the seat where Leonardo had been sitting.
"What was your mother like? Was she a good cook?"
"Do you remember your father's voice?"
"Tell me about your mother's favorite flower?"
People came and went, asking me about my father and mother one after another. As I answered each question, memories of my parents came flooding back, and the back of my nose stung.
...Ah, I am going to cry.
By the time I realized it, tears were streaming down my face. My parents' voices, their smiles, their warmth, the worried expressions they had worn when I was a baby who barely cried. All sorts of things came rushing back, and in the moment my heart felt warm, it was plunged into a cold place. Those warmths were already lost. Even if I cried with longing and love, they would never return.
"Hii...!"
I bit my lip, holding back the sobs threatening to escape. They had given me such a cute face when I was born, but right now it must be the ugliest face possible. Just a little while ago, I had felt nothing about my parents' deaths, but once I remembered one thing, memories of them came flooding in. After that, I was just sad, lonely, and wanted to scream with an anger I did not know where to direct. I think this is probably an emotion everyone who attended the Memorial Service felt at some point. Having someone close suddenly taken by disease, overcome with unplaceable anger and grief.
"Dad... Mom... I am so lonely..."
I did not want to complain, but the words slipped out anyway. If a child cries, adults always get worried. Regardless of my actual age in this life, the content inside me was an adult, so I did not want to cry too much and trouble the adults around me. Sure enough, the woman who had been sitting and making conversation started patting my head to comfort me. It was embarrassing and pathetic, like I was begging for attention. But the tears and emotions, once they started overflowing, could not be stopped. Calling out my parents' names, crying "I am lonely, I am lonely," I wailed like a baby.
That is a lie.
I am not lonely. I am not lonely at all. I was taken in by Leonardo, met Aurelia, came to the city, and made friends my own age. I am far more blessed with people and things than when I lived in the village. To feel lonely when I have such a fulfilled life... that is strange. It is disrespectful to Leonardo, who has given me such a good life.
That is what I thought in my head, but the words coming out of my mouth were still my parents' names.
The sadness of my parents dying, the loneliness. It felt like it had finally come out. Now I understand. I had been pushing it all down into the pit of my stomach, putting a lid on it, pretending to forget. No matter how much I say there is an adult inside me, in this life I am still just a nine-year-old child.
When my tears had somewhat subsided, the priest who had been conducting the rites came to my seat as well. When I had watched the rites from a distance, I had not thought much of it, but he was quite old. When he patted my head with his wrinkled hand, I suddenly became curious about something that had never bothered me before. I might still have a grandfather or grandmother somewhere. I did not want to get close to my paternal grandparents since they were nobles, but maybe I could at least confirm whether they were alive or dead. Out of nowhere, that thought occurred to me.
Tina is the type who cannot cry honestly when she has an unrelated guardian like Leonardo.
Typos and missing words will be handled another day...
Fixed the typos and missing words I found. I will be taking a break from updates on November 1st.