124 - Change Your Perspective, Change the Evaluation
Akemi's days of atonement began first with Kai.
One reason was that Kai, having spent most of their time together while traveling from the Forest of Bewilderment to Nordende—even if they had hardly spoken—was relatively easy to approach. Another reason was that it was obvious Kai held a grudge. While Akemi knew she was hated by many, she didn't know exactly who most of them were.
"...I am sorry. I do not believe my sins are something that can be forgiven simply by apologizing. Even so, I beg of you. Please, at least allow me to live here."
Akemi knelt on the ground, apologizing to Kai in a prostrate position. This was a shocking action to Hinata, who knew Akemi. Ray was not entirely unsurprised either, but his feeling that such a thing was only natural differed from Hinata's.
"...As you say, an apology doesn't mean much. Besides, I don't know if your apology is sincere. If you have a desire to make amends, you'll have to show it through your future actions."
This was a lie. Kai could sense whether Akemi was lying or not. Setting aside the depth of her feelings, Akemi was apologizing from the bottom of her heart. Kai knew this. That was why he said such a thing.
"To be honest, I don't know what I must do for you to understand my feelings. But I want to do whatever I can."
"Then I'll decide after seeing that. Though, I'm not the only one who hates you."
At least for the time being, Kai allowed Akemi to live here while she demonstrated her intent. This was strictly Kai's own thought. However, Kai's words would influence the people watching, though to varying degrees. After all, Kai had lost his mother and two older sisters. He himself had almost been killed. He was recognized as one of the people who held the strongest grudge against the Hero.
"I know. I want to apologize to everyone."
"Then do that. Not with words, but with actions. Right?"
"Yes. That is correct."
Akemi stood up from the ground. Following Kai's advice, she intended to apologize to the others, but as expected, she didn't know who the targets were. That thought lasted only a moment. Akemi found her target and began to walk. The severity of the gaze directed at her made it clear.
Standing before the person, Akemi prostrated herself just as she had done with Kai.
"Are you plotting to garner sympathy? If so, it's useless. No one will sympathize with you, even if you act like that."
Before she could utter an apology, the other person condemned Akemi's actions. They believed that attempting to apologize in front of many people was Akemi's strategy. Even if they had been alone, they likely would have condemned her for something else.
"No, I am not thinking such a thing. I have no right to be sympathized with. I simply wish to live here. I only hope that you will allow me to do so."
"My sister also just wanted to live in peace. The one who destroyed that peaceful life, the one who killed my sister, was you!"
"...I am sorry."
"I might forgive you. If you died right here in front of me."
"...I cannot do that. I want to live and make my home here."
Akemi was apologizing in order to live. She had no desire to atone for her sins through her own death.
"My sister didn't want to die either! Someone who killed my sister has no right to live!"
"...Even so, I want to live. I beg of you. Please allow me to live."
"...I won't. I will never forgive you for the rest of my life."
"At least, just let me live and make my home here. Please. Please allow me only that."
"...I won't."
After saying this last part, the person she was apologizing to walked away from Akemi. Akemi remained motionless in the prostrate position for a while. Eventually, she slowly raised her head. Looking around, she found another person glaring at her with hatred and began to walk toward them. If that person fled, she would look for someone else.
"...How can she do something like that?"
Hinata, who had been watching Akemi, let out a mutter.
"What do you mean by that?"
Ray asked the meaning of Hinata's mutter.
"...That Akemi-san is strong. If it were me, I couldn't endure it."
"Does that look like she's enduring it to you... Her spirit is certainly thick-skinned. But..."
Akemi's apology was not a performance. For those who could sense it, her feelings were real. The reason the others moved away from Akemi was that they felt her words of apology were sincere. They hated the idea of their hearts wavering upon seeing someone they didn't want to forgive apologize from the heart.
Even when harsh words were thrown at her, it wasn't as if she felt nothing. Ray could feel Akemi's heart shaking violently. The reason she appeared insensitive on the surface was the reaction to that. It was because her heart was becoming numb.
"Do you think she'll be forgiven by doing that?"
"You won't know until you try. Don't you think?"
"Are you telling me to do that too?"
"You're misunderstanding. I didn't order her to do it. That was her own decision."
"Akemi-san, of her own accord..."
Hinata did not believe Ray's words. She believed it was impossible for Akemi to do such a thing. She thought Akemi was only doing it because she was being forced.
"...Katsura-san, you haven't killed anyone, right?"
"Yes. I am different from Akemi-san."
Hinata took Ray's words the wrong way. Ray didn't mean that Hinata's sins were lighter compared to Akemi's. He was saying that Hinata, who had no sense of guilt, could not understand Akemi's feelings. The feelings of Akemi, who recognized her own sins and was now strongly regretting them and suffering.
Ray knew she would take it that way. Hinata had not changed at all. He had simply confirmed that.
"So? How long is Katsura-san planning to stay here?"
"Eh?"
"...Well, whatever. Cecil-san is the one who decides that."
With this one sentence, Hinata became even more dependent on Cecil. If she didn't want to be kicked out of here, she must not make Cecil angry. That thought was added to her mind. And in order to not make Cecil angry, she had to be accepted by Ray. She could no longer admit that this was impossible.
◇◇◇
That night. As usual, Ray was alone, soaking in the bathtub and leisurely gazing at the sky. It was the time of day when Ray's heart felt most at peace. However, tonight, there was someone to disturb it.
"...You actually felt like leaving your room in the middle of the night."
The one who appeared was Akemi. It was unprecedented for her to go outside the building alone at night when few people were around.
"I'm fine. I've somehow realized that I won't be killed immediately."
This was something she felt as a result of repeating her apologies all day. Even when Ray wasn't looking, the others only voiced their grudges and didn't lay a hand on her. Akemi had considered the reason being that it would be immediately obvious she was the killer if it happened during the day, but she also thought that if she lived in fear of being killed, she wouldn't be able to make a life for herself here. She had steeled her resolve.
"I've been telling you that from the start."
"Words alone aren't believable."
"The people you apologized to feel the same."
"I know. That's why I can't just stay shut up in my room trembling. That's how it is, right?"
To show it through actions, she had to go outside. She still didn't know what she should do, but that much was clear.
"Well. Even so, there was no need to come here right now."
Akemi wasn't wearing anything. Since she was going to take a bath, that was only natural.
"Can't I get a reward?"
Taking a bath wasn't Akemi's only purpose. That became clear with these words. Ray had known even before that.
"Even though you haven't achieved any results?"
"You're saying it in a way that suggests I'll get one if I do achieve results, aren't you?"
"...That's not the case, but I'll tell you for the record. Even if you enter that kind of relationship with me, it won't make your sins disappear."
"I know. I'm not thinking about that."
It would only force those who held grudges to endure. Ray did not desire such a situation. If it were perceived that he was inviting her with that mindset, Ray would immediately cut her off. Akemi knew that too.
"If that's your true feeling, I wonder if you understood a bit today?"
"What are you talking about?"
"That being vented upon with grudges and anger isn't necessarily something that only provides pain."
"...How do you know that?"
Akemi wondered why Ray knew what she had felt.
"Because I'm the same."
"The same?"
"I killed Kamiira-san and Rui. You all created the trigger for it, but I was the one who actually did the deed. I have also committed an unforgivable sin."
"No one thinks that."
There was no one who hated Ray. His family, King Dracul and Kai, were even grateful that Ray was trying to achieve revenge for the two of them.
"I think it."
"...You're an idiot."
Ray could not forgive himself. Akemi understood that too.
"No one blames me. No one hates me. I haven't been able to atone for my sins."
"I see..."
He had a sense of guilt, yet no one would judge him for it. Ray was suffering because of that. Akemi had been told grudges and insulted by the people she apologized to, and by realizing the strength of that hatred, she had reaffirmed the weight of her own sins. When that happened, even being harshly blamed felt natural, and she felt that being treated that way was one of her atonements. That was what Ray meant by "not only pain."
"...I don't think I should say this, but as long as you don't forget your sense of guilt, you can endure it. I think that someday, even if not everyone forgives everything, people who acknowledge you will appear."
"...Oh no. I'm seriously about to fall for you."
Ray was encouraging her. Akemi felt that kindness soaking into her exhausted heart. Panicking, she covered it up with a joke.
"You always say things like that."
"...Do I not have that much charm? No, I probably don't."
She wasn't the kind of person people would like. She was someone whose heart and body were stained. Such thoughts floated through Akemi's mind.
"Maybe better than Katsura-san?"
"...Too bad. A little while ago, I might have been happy with that, but not now."
"Did something happen? With Cecil-san?"
"That's part of it. But more than that, I realized I had overevaluated her. People are easily fooled by her type. Whereas in my case, my flaws come out immediately."
Those around them evaluated Hinata highly. Akemi realized she had been dragged along by that evaluation.
"No one evaluates her highly here, after all."
"Exactly."
In this place, no one recognized her value. Hinata herself wasn't convinced of that, but Akemi felt the surrounding evaluation was correct and recognized her for what she was.
"...I can't really say anything high and mighty."
"You were one of the people who evaluated her highly, after all."
"In the end, I couldn't see anything. Well, it'll sound like an excuse, but I think it couldn't be helped with the me of that time."
He was different from who he was now. Compared to those days when he just lamented his life for no reason, he was now desperate to live. Ray had the confidence to say that.
"Then, why don't you try re-evaluating me with the current you?"
"...It's the same, isn't it?"
"Eh? I think I've changed a little too?"
"That might be true, but..."
The trigger for that was an event Akemi didn't want to remember.
"It's absolutely impossible right now. But someday, I want to be able to say from my heart that the current me exists because that event happened."
"...I hope it becomes so. Though, I don't understand your feelings. If anyone does, it would be the girls who came here with you..."
The women who had the same experience as Akemi. Would a day ever come when they could feel that way? Ray could not bring himself to say something so optimistic.
"I want to talk to them, but I can't."
"Won't you never know unless you try to talk?"
"It's different from the reason I mentioned before. For them too, it's surely an event they never want to remember again. I can't bring myself to create a trigger that reminds them of it."
"I see. That's true."
Ray was convinced by Akemi's reason. Ray thought that Akemi, who thought this way, had indeed changed a little.
"...Do you know about this? It might remind you of something unpleasant, but I want you to endure it and listen."
"...I understand."
It was obvious what it concerned. Even so, Akemi decided to listen. It was something Ray deliberately chose to talk about. She thought she should know.
"The Crown Prince's pages were children kidnapped from the slums. The purpose of the kidnapping was to have them serve as partners for the Crown Prince, and perhaps the Knight Commander of the Imperial Guard Knights or other knights."
"............"
"I'm not saying you should forgive them. Those who should have been victims of sexual crimes became perpetrators toward you. When I think about why it became like that, my chest feels hazy."
"...They probably weren't thinking about anything. They just did as they were told... though I'm not one to talk."
She too had done as she was told, treating the Demon Race as evil and killing many. Hearing Ray's story, Akemi felt she couldn't forgive the pages for not thinking about anything. That meant she was not in a position to be forgiven either.
"I was thinking about what was said yesterday. If I had also been transferred to the Laurel Kingdom, and if I had been given power. I surely would have made mistakes. I admit this."
"Is that so?"
"But when I realized it was a mistake, I wanted to be someone who could correct it. I wanted to be someone who could recognize the sins they committed as sins."
"...You're kind. Why didn't I notice this kindness?"
Ray's words were not for blaming her, but for comforting her. She had come to the bath where Ray was, hoping to ease the fatigue of the day even a little. But being treated this kindly was unexpected.
"A little...?"
Akemi leaned her body toward him. Ray was flustered by this.
"...I'm not telling you to hold me. I'm not lusting after you. I just want to feel your warmth a little more."
"The water should be warmer."
"Don't say things like that. Get swept away by the atmosphere for once."
"Swept away..."
He couldn't just get swept away by the atmosphere and hold Akemi. Ray's emotions were not shaking to the point where he needed to employ mental restraint. If he wanted to suppress it, he could do so as much as he liked. If it were just about increasing sexual desire, the temptation of a demon would be far more powerful.
"Hey, what about you?"
"Eh? No, I, well... Cecil-san is here."
"...I'm not talking about sexual desire. I'm talking seriously about whether you don't feel like you're being crushed by your sense of guilt."
"Ah, that... I have a confidant who knows my feelings well."
"Is that also Cecil-san?"
"No."
Ray's clone. He meant Kamui.
"Then who? Ah, Kai-kun?"
When thinking of who else there was besides Cecil, only Kai came to mind.
"No, someone you don't know. Ah, that's right. There was one more thing I wanted to tell you. This won't remind you of anything unpleasant. If anything, it'll be me remembering."
"What kind of story?"
Ray was clearly trying to change the subject to dodge the question. She knew that, but she stopped herself from forcibly bringing the conversation back. Changing the subject meant he didn't want to talk about it. She didn't want to destroy the current atmosphere by forcing it out of him. Ray had been calling her 'kimi' this whole time. It was the way he addressed her when they first met. She didn't know if it was conscious or unconscious. But Akemi somehow found it pleasant. She didn't want to change that attitude of Ray's.
"The story of when I was almost killed by you all."
"The story of that time? To be honest, the current me doesn't want to remember that either."
This was from guilt. Without knowing anything, she had simply taken what she was told at face value and tried to kill Ray. She was ashamed of that.
"The story of the Holy Sword."
"Holy Sword? Is there something about the Holy Sword?"
"That's not the kind of sword you all think it is. It's a sword that demons created to purify miasma. Even though it's read as 'Seiken', it's written as the sword that purifies—the Pure Sword."
"Liar?"
"True. Moreover, the one you all took back was a sword whose purification power had weakened considerably. And you're treating it as something precious. I've wanted to say this for a long time. Just to say 'serves you right'."
Correctly, the power contained in the sword had separated, and it had become just a sword—though since it was made by demons, it was no ordinary sword. Ray hadn't started a completely unrelated conversation. He had thought of Kamui, remembered the process by which Kamui became a magic sword, and was talking about that time. Akemi would never be able to know that.
"...Knowing that makes things complicated for me. Don't I look like an idiot?"
"You're still better off. To put it further, the miasma that Katsura-san is said to have purified. That was possible because the Pure Sword had been purifying it over many years. It was just luck."
"I can honestly enjoy that story. Because she's the one being made a fool of."
As a result of the Holy Sword search, the only ones praised by those around them were Fumiya, who obtained the Holy Sword, and Hinata, who was said to have purified the miasma of the Forest of Bewilderment. Akemi had nothing. At the time, she had felt sick with jealousy, but hearing this story made her happy.
"You have a nasty personality."
"I'm still better for putting it into words. I think she's the one with the nasty personality, not letting those around her notice how calculating she is."
"I guess that's one way to look at it... but you love badmouthing people, don't you?"
"I admit that. I also admit I have a nasty personality. It's just that there's someone above me."
Generally, Hinata wasn't said to have a nasty personality. However, from Akemi's perspective, Hinata—who was always seen as a good person by those around her and always found herself at the center of the group—was a calculating, unpleasant woman.
"Change your perspective, change the evaluation. But that's not something that can be done easily."
It wasn't an evaluation of Hinata. He thought that if the Human Race and Demon Race each changed how they viewed the other, perhaps conflict would not occur.
"Because it's difficult to change yourself."
"...This became a difficult conversation. I feel like I'm getting lightheaded, so I'll head back soon."
Saying this, Ray stood up from the bathtub. The light provided in the bathroom. It was a faint brightness, but it cast the silhouette of Ray's body. Akemi had seen Ray naked before. But this was the first time she had looked at him consciously, right in front of her. It was a toned body unimaginable from the him in the original world.
"...I-I'll warm up a bit more before I go back."
Suddenly, Akemi felt shy.
"Is that so? Then, after you."
Ray left the bathtub and headed toward the exit of the bathroom. Akemi kept staring at his back.
"...I finally managed to distract myself... and now I'm left feeling restless. What are you going to do about this?"
After Ray's figure had completely disappeared, Akemi voiced her complaint toward him. It was embarrassing to be heard by the person himself. Akemi didn't know. Among demons, there were races with hearing far superior to that of humans. There was someone who heard these words of Akemi's, who didn't want to be heard by Ray. Not only that, but the entirety of her conversation with Ray up until now had also been heard.