kscans

Chapter 14 - An Empty Heart

One day, about half a year after Mana was married, the servants were bustling about their work. Feeling something was amiss, Mana peeked her head out of the room where she usually kept to herself. Just then, the head maid passed by in the corridor, and Mana called out to her.

"Is something happening?"

The head maid, a woman nearing fifty, quickly knelt and bowed her head. "Forgive me, but it is not my place to explain. The Tower Master will be here shortly. Please wait a little while."

Mana's expression clouded over. Her husband rarely visited her after their wedding night, so the reason for his visit now was surely about work. The thought was deflating. Mana's daily routine consisted of little more than greeting the servants. The rest of her time was spent in her room practicing calligraphy, preparing tea, or arranging flowers. She never saw Razan during these times.

It had been about two weeks since he had last shared her bed, and they hadn't met at all in the interim. Their relationship could hardly be called a marriage. Razan came only when he desired, and left as soon as he had dispassionately finished his business. Mana felt like a mistress. The only saving grace was that they were exclusive to each other.

Just as Mana finished preparing herself, Razan arrived. His everyday kimono was already of fine quality, but today he wore one that was a cut above the rest.

"Today, we will be receiving envoys from the Emperor in Kyo. I will have the head maid bring you a kimono later, so please get changed."

"The Emperor?"

Razan nodded. "The Emperor is the one who rules over the entire country. The envoys are the Imperial Military Advisor and the Imperial Court Chief. They are men who stand above me."

Mana was astonished; this was the first she had heard of it. "Isn't the Tower Master the highest authority?"

"I am third. I am the head of this capital, of course, but there is also a capital in the West. Naturally, it has a Tower as well. It is only fitting that there be someone to unite the two Towers. This Tower itself would not exist without the Emperor."

"I had no idea."

"Only those entrusted with the country's most important positions know of this. It is so that we may act as a shield should the country be attacked. If the Emperor falls, the country falls. As my wife, you must understand this from now on."

Razan took a piece of paper from his tunic.

"The Imperial Military Advisor is the country's strategist, while the Imperial Court Chief commands and leads the military. Their names are Nanafushi Ryoji and Miyake Kanzo, respectively. Nanafushi-sama is in his late forties. Miyake-sama is in his mid-sixties. The details of their preferences and interests are written here, so please read it carefully."

"And what is it that I am to do?"

"You need only smile silently by my side. However, should you be addressed, you must respond appropriately. Above all, be careful not to mispronounce their names. That is the one thing I must insist upon."

"I understand. Still, this is all very sudden."

"It is an unannounced inspection, so it cannot be helped."

"An unannounced inspection...?"

"They are here to investigate the peace and stability of the capital."

"I see," Mana said, her face expressionless as she averted her gaze. Seeing this, Razan gave a faint smile.

"Is there something you are displeased with?"

Mana's shoulders twitched. She fought to keep her voice steady as she replied quietly, "No. If you cannot understand, then it is fine."

"Hmph. I do not understand. You desired wealth and status, and you obtained them. To demand love as well is simply greedy."

Mana glared at Razan, her eyes sharp. "What did you say?"

But Razan didn't flinch, meeting her glare with his own. "Look at me. Because of my status as Tower Master and my wealth, love keeps its distance. It is the way of the world that to gain one thing, you must cast another aside. Are we not both unloved? Or would you have me believe you would have chosen me even if I were an ordinary man, without the title of Tower Master?"

Mana looked down, unable to answer. Razan gave a wry smile and looked away.

"It is a luxury to complain. If you want to be loved, then cast everything aside and go wherever you please. The price will be high, but that, too, cannot be helped."

Razan stood, turned his back, and stopped before the sliding door. "I cannot do that. I am responsible for the lives of every person in the Eastern Capital, so I can run nowhere. But you are free."

After he opened the door and departed, Mana stared after him in a daze for some time.

There were too many things Mana could not cast aside. Chief among them was her father, Saimon. If she selfishly chose her own path now, her family would be ruined. They would be unable to remain in the capital. She would not only lose her status and wealth but also bring misfortune upon her parents. Was there any love worth obtaining at such a cost? It was an impossibly difficult question to answer.

Even if Shintaro forgave and accepted her, what would happen then? At first, their love would be enough. But there was no guarantee how long it would last. If they found themselves struggling to survive, could she endure it?

Mana couldn't even imagine it. She had never experienced poverty like Shintaro had. And so, her conclusion inevitably returned to the same place: "One cannot live on love alone." In truth, it would have been more accurate to say, "I do not possess a love strong enough to be my reason to survive," but she was not yet enlightened enough to realize that.

The only thing she knew with absolute certainty was that "Shintaro would never forgive her."

She had no choice but to accept that it was too late to turn back. This was the path she had chosen, a decision made by facing reality and thinking rationally. This was what it meant to be an adult.

Mana held her breath and closed her eyes, trying to solidify her resolve. A part of her knew this wasn't resolve, but resignation, but she pushed the thought away.

*

Meanwhile, Razan, having left Mana, walked down the corridor, his thoughts on the woman who was his wife. He was certain that at this very moment, she was wavering, torn between leaving and staying. And yet, the fact that he felt no pain at all was surely because he could not stop his feelings for her from cooling.

Mana thought only of being loved and fulfilled. She was oblivious to the loneliness of the man who had become her husband, never asked about his past, never even pitied him. Her only concerns were how to live more securely, how to avoid causing her father sorrow. In other words, she was completely self-absorbed. Her only goal was to avoid being hurt herself.

Having glimpsed the true nature of the woman who was now his wife, Razan sighed heavily. It had been disappointing enough to learn that her devoted gaze had been a sham, but the more he learned, the more flaws he saw. It couldn't be helped. And as he understood her, he began to understand the man she had once yearned for. That man, too, must have possessed some quality, some advantage that others lacked. His appearance had certainly been good, Razan recalled with a nod.

He chided himself for his poor judgment of women, yet wished that, as his wife, she would at least make an effort to love him. He knew that this, too, was a selfish thought, but he couldn't help it. He was starved for some kind of emotional connection.

He was sure she would be pleased if he whispered sweet words of love to her, but he had no desire for such an easy affection. Her very attitude—that she would not love unless she was loved—was unforgivable. If possible, he wanted to be loved with a strength that was almost suffocating. He wanted to know the taste of a love that expected nothing in return.

Razan gazed down at the capital from a window in the Tower. The city was approaching the peak of its prosperity. What lay beyond? Decline, or continuation? Did the people who came and went in those streets know what love was?

The questions only multiplied, but the answers remained unheard. In the emptiness of that silence, he too closed his eyes.