Chapter 187 - 11
After returning from the military port, Anna, who had switched rooms with Franz, lay wide awake, huddled under the covers. She had been meaning to have a proper talk with Ritz when he got back, but he hadn't returned at all.
She had glanced at Ritz’s watch, which he had left tossed on the side table, and by the light of the bright moon, it was already past twelve, so it must be the middle of the night. Normally she would be sleepy by now, but strangely, she wasn't at all, probably due to her nerves.
Her goal was to talk things out and fix the crack in their relationship before it became a great chasm, but she didn’t know where or how to start. She felt she should tell Ritz her true feelings, but she was too scared to say the words.
It was strange. Before she became conscious of it, it was a word she had often said to Ritz, but now when she tried to say it, her mouth felt like it was glued shut.
“It’s just ‘I like you’…”
When she muttered it to herself, it came out smoothly. But in front of him, it just wouldn’t come out of her mouth. She knew she was treated like a child, that she wasn't seen in that way, and that he had someone else he liked. And she knew he liked Qiuzi, who could properly kiss him on the lips, more than her.
She didn’t want to rank her feelings, but the words ‘I like you,’ which carried the hope of being number one even while knowing she wasn’t, were too heavy.
She suddenly remembered the words Ritz had said to her in Roshozu, looking straight at her. It was just before the big top was engulfed in flames by Kuchiba. Ritz had definitely said he ‘liked’ her then.
It was calm, gentle, and strangely serious, and the warmth of his hand was so comforting. So it was incredibly embarrassing but also made her so happy. But in the next moment, it had turned into his usual joke. Would a gentle time like that ever come back?
She absolutely didn’t want that. She wanted to get that time back, just once more. Even if she wasn’t Ritz’s number one, she didn’t care as long as she could get that gentle time back. It was too painful to keep hurting each other anymore.
First, she had to apologize for pushing his hand away, for avoiding him. Then, she would apologize for saying they couldn’t live together.
As she hardened her resolve under the covers, the door opened without any warning. She instinctively pulled the covers back over her head. Peeking through a small gap in the blanket, she saw, of course, Ritz.
But he was different from usual, a Ritz she had never seen before. Anna gasped at the sight. His shirt, which he always wore properly, was draped sloppily over his shoulders, revealing a well-toned body she had never seen before, illuminated by the moonlight. The defined muscles made her feel more than ever that this person was a man.
A lit cigarette was in his mouth, from which a thin wisp of smoke was rising. Anna had once seen Ritz stamping out a cigarette, but this was the first time she had seen him smoking.
Ritz walked silently to the window and threw it wide open. As if bathing in the moonlight, he leaned against the wall next to the window and, without a word, exhaled smoke outside with a difficult expression.
He was so different from the usual Ritz that she didn't know what to do. As she shifted slightly under the covers, Ritz noticed.
“What, you were awake, Franz?”
He had mistaken her for someone else. It was only natural, since she was the one hiding here silently. As she wondered what to do, Ritz took a deep drag from his cigarette, exhaled the smoke, and skillfully stubbed it out with his boot, tossing the butt into a dish on the side table before sitting down on the bed.
“That ‘Intercontinental Network’ thing you gave me, I appreciate it, but it seems I don't really need it right now. I know you put a lot of thought into it, and I'm sorry, but it's a bit too much for me to handle alone.”
Ritz, still under the mistaken impression, began to talk to Franz. If she were to say, “Actually, it was me!” right now, it would be so out of place that she wouldn’t know what to do, so Anna stayed silent, shrinking her body under the thin blanket.
“Once you and the others meet Orphe-san and head home, I plan to come back here.”
At Ritz’s voice, which was not emotional but simply stated this quietly, Anna froze completely. To her, it was the same as a declaration of severing ties. Her mind spun. Come back here… does that mean he’s going to live with Qiuzi-san? Or is there some other reason?
“Without Anna, I can get by as a mercenary like always.”
Ritz said the decisive words. In other words, she did not exist in the future he spoke of. On the contrary, was she a hindrance?
She told herself she had to think calmly, but she was at a complete loss as to what to do. As she remained silent, Ritz let out a small laugh. She was startled by the tone of his voice. It was the self-deprecating laugh she hated most, one she hadn't seen since that night in Ciedena.
“I knew from the start I had no right to be with her. I’m just a killer mercenary, after all. For a guy like me, dying on a battlefield is the most fitting end. Under this big sky, where every place is a place to die, isn't that pretty free?”
She knew she had to say something, but her mouth wouldn’t move. On the contrary, her vision was shaking finely.
She realized she was trembling slightly.
She had thought their argument was just a button misaligned, just a small crack. But she realized for the first time that a much larger chasm had formed.
“Besides, it was a mistake to think I could make her a part of the life of an outsider and killer like me. She’s a woman who can find true happiness. I’m an idiot. I must have been a little too happy, got carried away, I guess.”
As she remained silent and trembling, Ritz turned to look at her with a troubled expression.
“Well, whatever, I’ll stay alive until Ed, you, and she die, so don’t worry about that. Even I wouldn’t drop dead while you guys are still alive. I mean, don’t get so angry, Franz. You hate it when people treat life and death lightly. In that respect, you and Anna are really similar.”
Anna couldn’t say anything to the wryly smiling Ritz. She was trembling so much that the words wouldn’t form. It was a shock that she wasn’t in the future Ritz spoke of, and even more of a shock that there was no hope in the future Ritz envisioned for himself. She was surprised at how deeply she was affected.
Ritz was no longer trying to live. He was hoping to die. Even if he didn't intend to die in front of his companions like before, he seemed to have no lingering attachment to life anymore. Even though he had held Anna and tried to live with her, the Ritz of now was strangely empty.
She had thought he might be angry, or that he was probably upset, but she had never imagined he would give up on everything and revert to the Ritz of old. She had thought he had cut away his backward-looking feelings along with his long hair in Ciedena.
She was the one who pushed his hand away first, she was the one who kept avoiding him, who even avoided talking to him, and yet, instead of getting angry at Anna, Ritz had given up.
He had every right to be angry, he should have been able to vent his anger at her for pushing his hand away after he had said he would always be with her. But instead of getting angry, he had given up on living itself.
Why?
You have someone you like more than me, right?
Why don’t you try to live with that person?
Why… have you come to want to die?
She was confused and didn’t understand.
“...Are you not feeling well? You’re shivering a lot, you must be cold.”
Ritz’s voice came from very close, through the blanket. Thinking that he had stood up and come over to her, she became even more confused and clutched the blanket tightly, closing her eyes.
“If it’s really bad, shouldn’t you have Anna do something about it?”
As she shrank further and clutched the blanket, Ritz sighed and placed his hand on it.
“There’s a limit to being quiet. I’m worried, so at least show me your face.”
The next moment, the blanket was forcefully pulled away. She couldn’t help but let out a small cry and shrink back. She could tell that Ritz had gasped softly.
“...Anna…”
Called out to in a daze, Anna flinched.
“I-I’m sorry.”
“...What are you doing here?”
Perhaps because he was surprised, Ritz’s voice was somewhat close to his natural tone. That’s why she was finally able to sit up in bed and look up. As expected, Ritz was just staring at Anna with wide eyes.
“I’m sorry. Um, I wanted to talk, so I asked Franz to switch with me.”
“Talk?”
“Yeah. Um…”
She trailed off. She still couldn’t bring herself to talk about her feelings. And now that she had heard Ritz’s words, she didn’t know what to do, how to get back that gentle time. She looked down and thought for a while, then looked up at Ritz. She decided to explain things first.
“Early tomorrow morning… um, early this morning, I guess. The army’s ship is leaving for the Trading Island. It seems a war is probably unavoidable.”
As she spoke softly, Ritz’s brow furrowed.
“Even with Ed there, they couldn’t avoid it?”
“Yeah. When everyone started moving toward a discussion, someone from the Coastal Defense Administration released one of the hostages on their own and threatened the Soukai Clan. Then they told us that if we wanted to see what happens, even though we can’t do anything, we should come on Touo-san’s ship.”
“I see… so there’s nothing Ed can do about another country’s affairs.”
Ritz muttered with a low groan, then sighed and smiled at Anna with the face of a guardian.
“Sorry for making you wait up so late. Did that Franz guy say he was sleepy and asked you to switch?”
“No, I was the one who said I’d talk to you…”
“A memo would have been enough. You’re so conscientious.”
“That’s not…”
“You could have found plenty of paper if you’d rummaged through his bag, right? Lack of sleep is the enemy of health.”
Without listening to Anna’s words, Ritz continued speaking smoothly as he headed for his own bed. It was clear that Ritz, with his back to her, was trying to brush it off.
“Sorry for being late. Well then, we should get to sleep soon.”
“Ritz, um…”
“It’s early tomorrow, right? You need your sleep too, so get to bed quickly.”
“Listen, Ritz!”
She couldn’t help but shout at his broad back, and Ritz’s movements froze.
“I’m listening.”
Ritz said with strange calmness and turned around. For a moment, she felt a sense of fear at the darkness in his eyes, similar to Kuchiba’s. Ritz gave a small smile to such an Anna.
“Don’t be so scared. No matter what kind of man I am, I won’t bite you.”
Not knowing what to say in response, Anna looked down. Ritz sat down on his bed opposite her with a thud. After a moment of silence, Anna looked up to find Ritz’s face right in front of her.
“You heard what I said, right? Well, even if you didn’t want to, you’d hear me talking to myself.”
Noticing Anna’s gaze, Ritz gave a wry smile as if to himself and looked out the window. In the midnight city, only the fantastical light of the lanterns was burning.
“I’m grateful to you. For giving me hope all this time. So I’ve had enough. More than enough.”
A gust of wind blowing in from the window carried the coolness of the summer night. She just stared intently at Ritz’s hair, swaying in that wind. His hair, which she used to touch often, now felt so distant.
“I was pretty happy spending time with you. Really, I always asked myself if it was okay for me to be this happy. But I was prepared for it to end someday. So there’s nothing for you to feel sorry about.”
Ritz murmured with downcast eyes. Anna clenched her fists alone. If possible, she wanted to touch that hair like before, to stroke his head. And she wanted him to look up at her with that happy expression. As a thank you, she wanted him to hug her and kiss her on the cheek. Just looking at him made her feel so much love, so much sadness that she felt like crying.
“So, Anna, it’s okay now. You go your way, and I’ll go mine.”
Words completely different from what she had been wishing for gently slipped from Ritz’s mouth. His words and expression were a complete rejection of Anna. Though not explicitly stated, she felt as if he were telling her it was over. That was incredibly painful.
More than the fact that he had someone else he liked, or that he didn’t see her as his number one, the fact that there wasn’t a single shred of that bright expression in Ritz’s eyes weighed heavily on her. This calmness was the same smile he had when Anna had shaken off his arm during the Jin incident. The thought was terrifying. More than then, she couldn’t help but feel that Ritz was looking at everything from a distance.
Even Anna, and even Ritz himself.
She had said something terrible. How many times would she have to fail before she realized? Ritz was an adult, but he was different from true adults like Edward and Shasta. That’s why she shouldn’t have said such a thing.
Why… did I say we couldn’t live together? Why did I say I didn’t care anymore? She knew it was impossible for Ritz not to be hurt.
Quietly getting up from the bed, Anna stood in front of Ritz. Ritz looked at Anna with a blank expression.
“Um, that…”
She was at a loss for words.
I love you more than my adoptive father, more than any friend, more than anyone in the world. I’m sorry. Please forgive me for pushing your hand away. Let me take back what I said about not being able to live together. I’ll stay with you, we’ll talk everything out properly, so please smile at me again.
The words swirled in her head, but her throat felt frozen, and the words wouldn’t come out. Knowing that he would say he had someone else he liked, Anna couldn’t say such a selfish thing. It would just trouble Ritz. Ritz smiled at such an Anna.
“I’m fine, so don’t worry about it. I know how you feel.”
“Eh?”
“You were scared of me from the start, weren’t you? But because I’m pathetic and weak, you kept that to yourself and wrapped me in your kindness. I knew that, but I ended up depending on you. So it’s only natural that you’d come to dislike me.”
“That’s…”
She was shaken by Ritz’s unexpected words. It seemed he was terribly mistaken. But Anna couldn’t correct it. Ritz smiled gently. It was a gentle smile, yet his eyes were empty and lonely.
“You’re kind. You’d still defend me even then.”
“Ritz!”
“I’m sorry for scaring you all this time. You don’t have to force yourself to be with a guy like this anymore.”
It’s not true, I don’t hate you, she wanted to say, but that would mean saying she loved him most of all. But she couldn’t say that, because it was selfish. She didn’t know what to do, how she could convey these feelings without being selfish.
The feelings she wanted to express wouldn’t form into words. It was frustrating and painful. She wanted to say he was the one she loved most in the world, but she just couldn’t say it. I don’t hate you. I’m not scared of you.
I love you so much…
As Anna stood there, she was suddenly and forcefully pulled into a hug against his bare chest, shaking her. As she pressed her ear against his warm chest, she felt she could hear his heartbeat.
“Sorry. This will be the last time.”
Ritz said in a small whisper. It was the embrace she had been longing for since Tashkur, but the situation was different from what she had imagined, and tears welled up in her eyes.
“Ritz…”
“As promised, I’ll protect you until we reach Sears. I know it’ll be annoying, but please allow me that much.”
As he muttered that, Ritz’s arms tightened around Anna, holding her even more firmly. It was almost as if he were clinging to her.
From the strength in his arms, Anna realized for the first time that Ritz might be lying. Perhaps he really didn’t want to let her go, that he wanted to be with her forever. But because Anna had said such terrible things, because he was misunderstanding them, he was trying to leave.
Is there… still a chance to start over?
But the next moment, after harboring a sweet hope, she had pushed Ritz away with all her might. The force of it made her stumble backward. As she stopped after a few steps, Ritz raised both hands with a wry smile.
“Right, you hate it. My bad.”
It seemed she had caused another misunderstanding, but that wasn't what was on her mind. She had caught the scent of a familiar sweet perfume from Ritz.
It wasn't the kind of scent you'd get from just drinking together. It was a strong scent, the kind that would transfer from an embrace like this. And looking closely, she could see a faint trace of red lipstick at the corner of his lips. She recognized that color too.
What were you doing with Qiuzi-san? Do you hold other people with such force too?
She wanted to ask, but her mind was blank, and the words wouldn’t come.
“Well then, see you at dawn.”
With that, Ritz took off the shirt he was wearing and quickly got into bed. He left Anna standing there alone and turned his back to her, falling asleep.
Looking at his back, Anna returned to her bed and pulled the thin blanket over her head. Tears streamed down her face. She tried desperately to stifle them, but a sob escaped her throat.
She understood the source of the misunderstanding, but the fact that there was nothing she could do about it now was too sad. Maybe Ritz wasn’t going to come back here after the journey was over.
To Qiuzi’s side.
She had never imagined that falling in love could be so painful. She had never wanted a love so hopeless that it would end just as it began.
Unable to hold it back, she let out a sob and curled up into a small ball. For the first time, Anna endured the painful jealousy and heart-wrenching sadness alone in her bed.