452 - Beast and Doll
I entered the bath to change out of my vomit-stained clothes, and what I put on afterward was my nightwear. Whether from stress or something, my stomach felt awful, like it was being churned around, and on top of that it seemed I had developed a fever too, my head hurting. In this state it was impossible to stay awake and listen to the rest of the story, so I decided to sleep without eating dinner.
...Ah, it's a dream.
I think it's a dream, but this must be the continuation of Alfred's story. My whole body is wrapped in a bad feeling, but I can't run away, I can't shake it off.
A sharp sound of something shattering rang out -- kachan -- and the room filled with the strong smell of perfume. Jasper said something as he threw a white cloth at me. Kalisa caught it and pressed it over my mouth. I lost consciousness there, and when I opened my eyes next, I was lying on something hard.
...It's not Jasper's bed, is it?
Since I'm lying down, it must be a bed in some room. The bed is hard, so the furnishings probably aren't that good. For a moment I thought it might be Jasper's bed, since he's the room's owner, but I soon realized that wasn't right. The smell my nose picked up wasn't that of Jasper's room. Jasper's room has a slightly dusty smell, perhaps because it isn't cleaned often. Also, there's a smell of medicinal herbs mixed in, probably due to his work as a pharmacist. Neither of those scents is present here.
...Where?
Something is clearly wrong. I sensed it immediately, and suppressed the urge to open my eyes. Since my situation has changed from before I lost consciousness and I don't know what circumstances I'm in, it's better to maintain the current state to gather more information. If I keep pretending to be unconscious, the people around me should let their guard down.
...What's that, a sound? And a woman's moan...?
The moment I thought I heard a woman's voice, I realized it was Kalisa's. It's a voice I hear constantly by my side, on some days even more than Leonardo's.
...What? Kalisa, she sounds like she's in pain...?
I swallowed at the bad feeling. With my vision closed to keep up the pretense of sleep, my hearing picked up the sounds around me more keenly than usual. I wondered if I could tell the state of things around us aside from Kalisa's moans, but all I could grasp was that we were in the worst possible situation.
What I could pick out as sounds were Kalisa's moans, faint sounds of water, and then a beast-like growl. What I could tell from touch was that I was lying face-down on something hard, and there was something hot, large, and heavy on my back. When I noticed that the weight on my back had six points of support of varying sizes, I understood my situation. The weight on my back is the hand of a beast.
With me held hostage and unable to fight back, Kalisa was probably being used by the beast however it pleased.
The faint sounds of water and the beast's growls were what they were.
...What do I do? What should I do? Keep pretending to sleep, or struggle despite knowing it's hopeless.
If I had the strength to resist unreasonable violence, I might be able to break this situation. But unfortunately, I don't have that kind of strength. I'm just an ordinary girl. In fact, I think I'm even more frail than an ordinary girl, both in build and otherwise. Even if I struggled on my own, I couldn't imagine things improving.
...If I were Kalisa.
What would Kalisa think? The things I can do are limited, so I'll set aside what I want to do.
What I want to do is, first, resist.
I want to save Kalisa.
I want to escape from here.
No matter how I look at it, it's all impossible for me. Even if I resisted, I'd be subdued immediately, and the situation would only get worse. Kalisa must be going along with them knowing that too.
...Then, let me think about what Kalisa would want me to do.
If I were Kalisa, what she would wish from the current me would be not to wake up. Not to notice what's happening, too. She wouldn't want me to know the situation we're in, and it would be a problem if I woke up clumsily and screamed, provoking the beasts. Since she's enduring in silence herself, she'd want me to wait, knowing she'll definitely save me when the time comes. That's about what Kalisa would think, I imagine.
...I'll wait obediently. I promised Leonardo-san I'd wait as quietly as a doll, after all.
Since he told me to wait until he came for me, Leonardo should come. Even if I was taken from the Sedovara Church, he should be able to notice the anomaly of my absence. In that case, what I can do is just behave myself so as not to provoke the beasts.
...Leonardo-san, hurry and come.
Come for me soon, save Kalisa. I managed to keep pretending to sleep while making that wish, but only for a short while.
Once the beasts noticed I was faking sleep, it was the worst. They forced me to watch what was being done to Kalisa, saying "look at the work of your maid who's working so hard for you." I knew what men and women did as knowledge, but what was unfolding before my eyes was fundamentally different in nature. It was an act so vile I wanted to vomit, but since Kalisa was enduring it, I endured too. I thought if I reacted by crying or showing fear, it would only please the beasts, so I deliberately emptied my mind.
I think it was Hermine's education that helped me not to lose my composure.
Hermine taught me to separate emotion from thought and think objectively. I think now is that time. I put a lid on the feelings that made me want to cry, and looked for an opportunity to turn things around. As I thought about whether I should buy time and wait for Leonardo to come, or whether I should first draw the beasts away from Kalisa, one of the beasts waiting its turn turned its gaze toward me.
"I've been wanting to try sticking it in a brat, y'know."
I understood immediately what these words meant. Kalisa's eyes, which had been unable to look away, filled with strong anger. The beast's hand reached out toward me, so I lifted my face to confirm the beast's face, then got down from the wooden crate I'd been sitting on. Whether because they looked down on me as a child, or whether this had been the aim from the start, my limbs weren't bound.
...Even I have my limits of endurance, you know.
Since Kalisa was enduring, I endured too. Leonardo said he would come for me, so I told myself to hold on a little longer. The smell, the disgust, the things I wanted to look away from -- I endured all of it, and yet the beast's hand reached out for me.
Even I should take action on my own sometimes, shouldn't I? I shouldn't always just wait for help.
I summoned what little courage I had and moved my body. I took a big breath, one deep breath. Even if this made things worse, as long as the burden that was me was gone, Kalisa should be able to escape on her own however she pleased.
...They started it with the cruel stuff, after all. They should be prepared for retaliation too, right?
The beasts were the ones who made the first move, I told myself, suppressing the last of my reason. The beasts are the ones at fault, and I'm just resisting to protect myself. I'm not wrong. The beasts are the ones who are wrong. Resisting is my natural right. The beasts who did things that deserve resistance are the ones at fault.
...I'm not wrong. I'm not wrong. I'm not wrong.
I told myself over and over, clenching my trembling fist. The beasts blinked in surprise at me, who had suddenly started moving despite having just taken a breath. Seizing this chance, I delivered the best retaliation I could manage. I emptied my mind, pulled the knife dangling right before my eyes from the bald-headed beast's belt, and then, putting my full weight behind it, returned it to the beast's side.
...It feels disgusting. A horrible sensation.
Somehow, I think I managed to 'return' it surprisingly smoothly. There was resistance only at first. The sensation of flesh being split transmitted through the knife, and I felt nauseous.
The chilling sensation of stabbing a human -- a beast -- I'll probably never forget for the rest of my life. Part of my mind calmly noted that surprisingly little blood flowed out. Maybe the knife I'd stabbed was acting as a plug.
-- My memory only goes this far.
I felt a strong impact from the side. Then I hit my back hard, and my mind went blank.
I was thrown into a space where I couldn't see anything, couldn't hear anything, and I just felt the gentle presence moving away from me. When I realized that presence was Kalisa, I was running recklessly after it. I chased and chased, and finally caught up, embracing her. As I clung to her, begging her not to go somewhere, not to leave me behind, the gentle presence held me tight. Kalisa's familiar warmth made me relax, and I let go of consciousness there. As if it had all been a bad dream.
"...Kuhh"
I woke up from the sheer discomfort of sleeping so poorly. I didn't know what time it was, but it was pitch black around me. It probably wasn't time for the sun to rise yet.
This should be my usual warm bed, but it was strangely hot and stuffy from night sweat. The blanket covering me felt heavy and hot, so I kicked at it with my feet to escape it. As I thrashed around against the blanket for a while, Leonardo's face appeared from beyond the canopy.
"What's wrong, Tina? If you don't cover yourself properly, you'll catch a cold."
"...Leo."
I'd been trying to kick the blanket off my body, but seeing Leonardo's face made me not care anymore. Rather than avoiding the oppressive weight of the blanket, the surefire remedy (Leonardo) that would definitely blow away my bad mood had come to me. Feeling the corners of my eyes grow hot, I reached my arms out toward Leonardo. Leonardo seemed to understand my intention immediately, lifting me up by placing my arm around his neck.
After that, it was like a continuation of the dream. What came out of my mouth were apologies -- "I'm sorry." While clinging to Leonardo's neck in relief, I vomited out the feelings -- the things -- I had covered up and pretended to forget. It must have been quite a nuisance for Leonardo to have me suddenly start wailing in his ear.
"...What's the reason for the apology?"
"I, I... I broke, my promise...!"
I had promised Leonardo that I would wait quietly like a doll, and I didn't keep that promise. I endured up to a point. I believed staying quiet was the best course, and I held my breath, killing myself -- my heart. But my endurance reached its limit, and I resisted the beasts -- the men.
With the knife that had been dangling before my eyes, I stabbed a human -- a beast.
I have no memory after that. But I heard the enraged beast's roar. Having that kind of anger -- rage -- directed at me, it's strange that I'm still alive.
"Ka, Kalisa was... enduring... and I, I ruined... everything..."
I told Leonardo everything I had seen and remembered in the dream, confessing. It was my fault for not following his instructions. It was my fault for not being able to wait quietly.
After I finished telling everything, I said what I had been too afraid to ask until today. Even though I was here at the residence, the person who should be by my side wasn't here.
"...Why isn't, Kalisa here...? Even when I called earlier, it was Salisa who came."
Where had Kalisa gone? I finally managed to put into words what I had been too scared to ask. I hadn't been able to ask because I was afraid of the answer, but it was something I couldn't leave unasked forever.
"...In Alfred-sama's story, there was one about a woman's burned body being found, right? Based on the characteristics of the remains, we confirmed with Salisa too."
The woman's burned body was Kalisa. At the words delivered flatly, the world before my eyes went dark.
Kalisa died because of me -- because I couldn't endure.
My tears retreated inward, as if my blood were draining away. I felt like letting go of consciousness and forgetting everything again, but I managed to hold on by clinging to Leonardo. Above all, I had already been running from this truth for two years. I had run for two years, so now I just had to face it properly.
"...What happened to Kalisa's remains?"
My voice was hoarse, pathetically so. The tone sounded as if I were begging for sympathy, asking for comfort, and I found even speaking distasteful. Kalisa's death was brought about by me. Because I couldn't endure to the end, because I couldn't remain a doll, I had caused it. I have no right to be comforted about Kalisa's death. Rather, I am the one who should be blamed.
"Kalisa was cremated and placed at the shrine of the death god Uaksu. I thought Tina might want to say goodbye, so after consulting with Salisa, we haven't buried her yet."
"Then, we need to... bury her soon. Kalisa must want to... rest properly, too. I need to... apologize, a lot."
"Apologizing is one thing, but we should also thank her properly. We were able to find Tina because Kalisa left us clues."
"Clues?"
I wondered what she could have done in that situation. Pathetically, I lost consciousness partway through, but Kalisa shouldn't have had any weapons. Even if the beasts' attention had turned to me in anger, it would have been difficult for Kalisa alone to subdue that place. Besides, if she really had been able to subdue that place, I wouldn't have needed to run for two years.
"As expected of Iridal's pupil, I suppose -- from inside Kalisa's mouth, a man's finger with a ring on it came out. Kalisa probably bit off one of the kidnapper's fingers."
Using that ring as a clue, they searched for the kidnappers, and apparently learned that a noble from the Zugall Empire had orchestrated this kidnapping. It took two years, but thanks to that, Leonardo was able to come for me, he told me.
"...Kalisa, she told you where I was."
"That's not all she did, you know."
Look, Leonardo said, pointing at my legs. They were skin and bones, so thin they didn't look like the legs of a healthy child.
"Your arms and legs are this emaciated, but thanks to you walking around searching for Kalisa, you managed to barely preserve enough muscle strength to walk."
At his following words -- that Kalisa had been helping me even during those two years -- the corners of my eyes grew hot again. Not wanting him to see my pathetic crying face any more, I pressed my face against Leonardo's neck and clung to him.
"...If I'd been able to endure everything, would Kalisa not have died?"
"That would have been difficult."
"You don't need to comfort me. It's my fault."
I don't deserve to be comforted -- I'm a bad child. As I said this and lifted my face, Leonardo's large hand stroked my head.
"Tina isn't at fault, and I'm not comforting you. It's just the facts."
Leonardo repeated the story I had just heard from Alfred, about how many unrelated people had been killed regarding my kidnapping. At the very least, if the kidnappers had been acting in secret, they wouldn't have needed to kill even the pier manager, let alone the warehouse keeper.
"When you're kidnapping one person, the fewer people you bring along the better. Taking only Tina would have been best, and normally they wouldn't take other people along."
'Not taking them along' in this case meant killing them to silence them. Since the pier manager and the warehouse keeper had been killed, there was no mistake about this.
"Even if Tina had remained unresisting to the end, either Giselle or Kalisa would have been killed. And Tina too..."
I could vaguely guess the continuation of the swallowed words. What would have happened if I hadn't resisted -- my death. My body was small for my age, and as a female my body wasn't fully developed yet. If they had forced themselves on a body like mine, my body would have broken before my spirit died. Perhaps the reason I stopped enduring that day was to survive.
"...Come to think of it, what happened to Giselle? Did she go back to the capital because I was gone?"
Other than Kalisa, Giselle wasn't here. When I finally noticed that, I also realized Aaron was absent. Alfred too, I'd heard he had 'returned' from Mehl Fortress. Besides me, who had apparently been kidnapped, the people around me had disappeared.
"What really happened two years ago?"
This time, I want to hear it properly, without running away. I couldn't change my embarrassing posture of clinging to my brother (Leonardo), but I was ready to listen.
As I stared up at Leonardo's face, he looked a little troubled, but still, as asked, he told me about these two years. The reason Alfred said he needed to popularize bobbin lace, Felicia's sudden marriage, Alfred having to take the throne he'd been avoiding -- all of it was because of me. It seems various attempts had been made over these two years as a means to find me.
By the time I finished hearing everything, I was in a dream again.
Unrepentant as ever, I was searching for Kalisa in my dream again, and when I spotted her back and took a step to chase after her, a hand grabbed the hem of my nightclothes from a low position.
Tina's perspective from two years ago. This was the doll-life that resulted from her having stopped waiting obediently.
It's a matter of "I'll wait quietly like a doll, so please come for me soon."
Will fix typos and errors at a later date.